So long old friend

You have provided green beans in my time of need. You came to my rescue when I NEEDED Diet Coke. You provided a cheaper option to the gas station down the street. I needed you. I loved having you around. I'm not sure what I'll do without you this summer. I just don't think I can live in a town without a grocery store. Suddenly Mo-Town has a hit a new low. Not sure if I can handle this. However, I am thankful for the entertainment tonight...but at such a cost!

So now Moville can offer me a swimming pool, Subway, A&W, Caseys, and biscottis. I guess there's a bank too, and a car wash...yeesh.

Grandpa Brant

This month my mom called and said my Grandpa Brant has very little time left to live. Three types of cancer will cut his life very short.

This is surprising and gut wrenching to us, but it's not a surprise to God. I'm trusting God that Grandpa's last days will be rewarding and full of grace. Grace=gifts from the Father who loves Grandpa. I want him to see his family, to know the love we feel for him, to experience closeness with his wife, to learn more about his Father, and to look forward to a future in Heaven. I want him to feel peace too. These would all be gifts of mercy from God.

My Grandpa Gordon is my dad's dad. The connection to my late father. Sad to think about him being our connection to our father, and now we're losing him. Again, not a surprise to God. I know God will give us all good time with Grandpa before all is done.

I will go see him in May. If there's one thing I've learned it's that God is not surprised. In fact, He has planned it. So He will provide the grace we require and I can trust Him. Wow, what I just said is a huge thing for me to say right now. Do I really believe that? I do.

I've been LOST!

So, I've been LOST.

In the past month that I have not been blogging, I've been B to the USY. Who isn't busy though, right?

Can I give you a picture of the typical day for a Demarest, a resident of Moville?

It starts at 6:30 and ends around 8 pm. Amongst those hours is time with students, feverish work at school as we aspire to be accredited. Then maybe wait two hours while Luke has track practice. Then go to the Y for excercise bliss...or not bliss...none-the-less, it's important. Or, we might have Bible study, or youth group.

So, days are busy, but there have been MANY joys, and an obsession that was a pleasant past time. One good thing is that our weekends have been relatively free, so that has been HUGE in keeping me sane. This home-body needs her time at home!

Luke and I have caught ourselves up with the TV show LOST. We spent an entire weekend with the Rausches watching season 1. Then in the subsequent weekends we watched the other 3 seasons. It was a long, but willing time investment. I'm totally hooked...and confused. I love this kind of confused.

My sister Elizabeth and her husband Andy came to visit last weekend. They helped us out in a big way by discussing LOST with us and sharing their questions/theories. They also sat through season 4 with us. It is always so good to see them.

I've been so proud of myself lately. My theory is that when a person is busy, they realize the lack of time they have to get necessary things done, so there is an urgency to tackle the To-Do list. Well, that's where I've been the last two months. I have gotten paint to paint the rest of my house, I fertilized the lawn, I planted grass seed, and I'm making plans for the summer. I have very little motivation to get things done around the house during the winter, so the warm weather brings to light the places I have neglected in my house and yard.

I've decided I need to take more pictures of things happening. I'm making a pledge to carry a camera in the next week. I recently discovered a new blog and I've been inspired to take more pictures because hers are so beautiful. So, please look foraward to seeing more pictures! I know I will look forward to sharing them with you!

One month

Rewrite this tragedy.

Ok, if this is what You have for me...make me sweeter, nearer to You, more gracious, gentle, quiet, slow to speak, quick to listen, a better wife/teacher/friend/daughter/sister.

I will not waste this.

Something good must come from this.

Give us a hope for tomorrow

Thank you, Sara...you've helped today


too bad this video isn't quite up to snuff

I'm so thankful there were animals on that ark with Noah.

I've never ever thought about the story of Noah this in depth before, but the happenings of today forced me to.

Luke and I have been insanely busy, it seems, in the last two weeks. Today after we did grades at school we went to the "Y" to work out, then did our Bible study lesson for youth group, then went to youth group to lead the study. As I did the study I got a little scared that I would not be able to lead it well at all.

The lesson was on "Does God Punish Us?"

Well, does He?

In all honesty this is a question I've been asking myself off and on the last three weeks. The lesson asked other questions like, "If He does punish us, what does that look like in your life?" "Are all bad things that happen in life punishment for our sins?" "Do bad things happen to good people, and if so, why?"

Ugh! Could these questions be hitting any closer to home? I felt so unable to offer answers, so I decided tonight we would just discuss, and be ok with not coming to any answers if that was the case. We talked a lot, and I shared, which in a way was healing.

The lesson used Noah as an example of a righteous man who was having some very crappy things happen to him. The part that was the most encouraging to me was thinking about how (1)God told him this would happen, (2) He gave him the supplies and instructions for his survival, and (3) He gave him the animals.

God does the same for us, I suppose. He tells us bad things will happen. The rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous alike. "In this world you will have trouble..." Trouble is a guarentee. However, God also says He will provide for us during our trouble. He will give us the comfort and encouragement we need. He is also so good that He will provide your material needs--He will sometimes provide more than what you need. Thirdly, God gives us the animals. Like I said, I'm so thankful for the animals on that ark. They provided Noah and his family with food, something to do so that their focus wouldn't be totally on themselves during this really tough time, and lastly a hope. That's right, the animals were a hope. They were like a down payment on the new earth that would appear after 40 days. If Noah had any doubt that God would follow through on His promise to bring the land back again all he had to do was look at the animals. God could have easily created more animals, just like he would create more humans, but I'm taking comfort in the thought that God put the animals there to show Noah there would be a future and a hope. Joy will come again. The story of Noah brought me a lot of comfort today. I'm looking for my hope.

So, life is moving on.

We started work this week. Monday was our first day back in two weeks. I felt so strange coming back. I heard whispers and voices down the hallways saying, "Mr. and Mrs. Demarest are back!" We received hugs and cards and some people who were willing to talk and ask how we were doing.

Sometimes I don't know how to answer that question anymore. I guess the truth is, since I started back to school I think about it less. I get occupied during the day, but there are always little reminders. I see babies and I think about what could have been. I see the third grade class and I think about how I'll probably teach them next year, but how I wish I didn't have to. One of the students will say something about it, or we'll pray that "I won't be so sad." They are sweet to care so much for me. So, I don't think about it as much, but I still do think about it a lot. We still kneel at the foot of our bed and pray every night for understanding, ministry opportunities, and with bold faith we pray for healthy pregnancies and healthy babies in the future. I still miss her, and I wish I was pregnant, and I still get confused with all the "whys". I still feel like I lost my future.

I've regretted this week that with starting work again I've thought about it less and also haven't gotten to seek the Lord as hard as I was the last two weeks. My heart and soul still want to delve into the Word, and read my book about Job, and journal and "pray it out."

Well meaning people I have talked to tell me that they have lost a child, but then the next time everything was fine. Or other women that had the same complication I did, had one little procedure done the next time, and everything turned out fine. I don't have the confidence yet to think my next time will be as successful. There are still so many unanswered questions. We meet with the doctor on Monday. I'm praying for answers and a hope.

We joined the Y on Thursday. A bit of a financial committment, but I feel it's necessary for healing, and also necessary for a boost in self-confidence. I need to feel good about my body right now, especially after I feel like it malfunctioned during pregnancy....I know there's nothing I could have done to foresee what would happen, or to stop what would happen, but it's hard not to be disappointed and/or irritated that I'm one of the women in the world who will have trouble in pregnancy.

Well, believe it or not, I have had some laughs this week, and have talked about lots of other things besides this. I know that when I've written the last two times it seems so "Debbie Downer", but it is what it is.

Life is oh-so-different.

You'll have to forgive me, and I won't be offended if you even stop reading my blog for a while, because there are certain things that occupy my mind, and lets very little else through.

I will continue to write because it is a release.

Don't feel like you need to comment, or even read. If you're interested in how I'm doing, then tune in. If it's too much to bare, then tune out. I won't mind.

I'm thankful for these things today. It is necessary for me to write down what I'm thankful for, lest I forget the goodness of the Lord.

• a warm house to live in


• a car to drive that is working


• family that lives close, and also family that is close enough to visit in a weekend


• new friends that care so much even though they hardly know me


• old friends that are such a comfort


• prayers offered on our behalf--the knowledge of the hearts all over that are grieving right along with us is overwhelmingly comforting


• the gifts that help us remember


• the gifts that help us pay


• the time away in Nebraska that was exactly what we needed to feel ok in the days following


• deep, heart-felt conversations that are essential for my healing


• the life of Job that is teaching me so much right now


• "The Office" which has brought me laughter in the last week


• a job


• guilt-free time off courtesy of loving bosses


• scripture--I look forward to discovering the richness of healing and peace that the Lord will offer us as we grieve, however long that will take


• a sister and brother-in-law that know and understand exactly what we're experiencing


• books by godly people that have searched out the mysteries of Heaven and God


• Heaven. We will see Gracie again someday


• a wonderful husband who is strong and compassionate


• truth. Lord, bring me more truth


• Panera and afternoons to process

I desire to see truth. Even though there is much right now that I do not understand, it doesn't negate the truth of who God is. Even though I may not understand it, I still want to receive the truth of the Lord to wash over my heart and heal.

I'm reading a book about Job by Chuck Swindoll.

"I have found in life that when we don't know why we are suffering, the suffering is harder. If I could pinpoint the cause, if I could determine the sin that brought on all this pain, I could deal with it, confess it, and maybe the suffering will end--or at least ease up. But when there's no cause, no sin, no one to blame, no source to identify, the absence of anything tangible leaves us hanging."

I would add that it may even leave us angry, bewildered, feeling betrayed, so so hurt inside. May I be like Job who after hearing of the loss of children and all his wealth, picked himself up, tore his robe, shaved his head, then laid face down in the dirt and worshipped God. It amazes me that he said, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing." Essentially he's saying none of those things were ever owned by me, they were just on loan to me. Lord, I'm so not there. I will not curse you, I will not complain that my life is so bad, but I've questioned, I've wondered at the reasoning. That's ok, right?

"There are trials we endure we do not deserve, but they are permitted...In the mystery of God's unfathomable will, we can never explain or fully understand. Do not try to grasp each thread of His profound plan. If you resist my counsel here, you'll become increasingly more confused, ultimately resentful, and finally bitter. At that point, Satan will have won the day. Accept it. Endure the trial that as been permitted by God. Nothing touches your life that has not first passed through the hands of God. He is in full control and because He is, He has the sovereign right to permit trials that we do not deserve."

"The silence of God's voice will make you wonder if He is even there. And the absence of God's presence will make you wonder if He even cares. He is. And He does." (I've been here)

Almost two weeks ago began the biggest hurt I've ever experienced. There's no time table for how long this will take to trust fully, believe fully, see a pregnant woman without longing for that myself....amid all that it's also beginning a new chapter in my walk with the Lord and with my husband. I long to see fruit in both areas. I need to see good come from this. God says that will happen. I've seen Him follow through on that promise before in my life. He will do it again.