Life is oh-so-different.

You'll have to forgive me, and I won't be offended if you even stop reading my blog for a while, because there are certain things that occupy my mind, and lets very little else through.

I will continue to write because it is a release.

Don't feel like you need to comment, or even read. If you're interested in how I'm doing, then tune in. If it's too much to bare, then tune out. I won't mind.

I'm thankful for these things today. It is necessary for me to write down what I'm thankful for, lest I forget the goodness of the Lord.

• a warm house to live in


• a car to drive that is working


• family that lives close, and also family that is close enough to visit in a weekend


• new friends that care so much even though they hardly know me


• old friends that are such a comfort


• prayers offered on our behalf--the knowledge of the hearts all over that are grieving right along with us is overwhelmingly comforting


• the gifts that help us remember


• the gifts that help us pay


• the time away in Nebraska that was exactly what we needed to feel ok in the days following


• deep, heart-felt conversations that are essential for my healing


• the life of Job that is teaching me so much right now


• "The Office" which has brought me laughter in the last week


• a job


• guilt-free time off courtesy of loving bosses


• scripture--I look forward to discovering the richness of healing and peace that the Lord will offer us as we grieve, however long that will take


• a sister and brother-in-law that know and understand exactly what we're experiencing


• books by godly people that have searched out the mysteries of Heaven and God


• Heaven. We will see Gracie again someday


• a wonderful husband who is strong and compassionate


• truth. Lord, bring me more truth


• Panera and afternoons to process

I desire to see truth. Even though there is much right now that I do not understand, it doesn't negate the truth of who God is. Even though I may not understand it, I still want to receive the truth of the Lord to wash over my heart and heal.

I'm reading a book about Job by Chuck Swindoll.

"I have found in life that when we don't know why we are suffering, the suffering is harder. If I could pinpoint the cause, if I could determine the sin that brought on all this pain, I could deal with it, confess it, and maybe the suffering will end--or at least ease up. But when there's no cause, no sin, no one to blame, no source to identify, the absence of anything tangible leaves us hanging."

I would add that it may even leave us angry, bewildered, feeling betrayed, so so hurt inside. May I be like Job who after hearing of the loss of children and all his wealth, picked himself up, tore his robe, shaved his head, then laid face down in the dirt and worshipped God. It amazes me that he said, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing." Essentially he's saying none of those things were ever owned by me, they were just on loan to me. Lord, I'm so not there. I will not curse you, I will not complain that my life is so bad, but I've questioned, I've wondered at the reasoning. That's ok, right?

"There are trials we endure we do not deserve, but they are permitted...In the mystery of God's unfathomable will, we can never explain or fully understand. Do not try to grasp each thread of His profound plan. If you resist my counsel here, you'll become increasingly more confused, ultimately resentful, and finally bitter. At that point, Satan will have won the day. Accept it. Endure the trial that as been permitted by God. Nothing touches your life that has not first passed through the hands of God. He is in full control and because He is, He has the sovereign right to permit trials that we do not deserve."

"The silence of God's voice will make you wonder if He is even there. And the absence of God's presence will make you wonder if He even cares. He is. And He does." (I've been here)

Almost two weeks ago began the biggest hurt I've ever experienced. There's no time table for how long this will take to trust fully, believe fully, see a pregnant woman without longing for that myself....amid all that it's also beginning a new chapter in my walk with the Lord and with my husband. I long to see fruit in both areas. I need to see good come from this. God says that will happen. I've seen Him follow through on that promise before in my life. He will do it again.