Nothing could have prepared me....

I'm convinced nothing could have prepared me for our sweet baby Hope. And it's not just Hope we weren't capable of being prepared for, it's parenthood in general.

There was no way to prepare me for labor recovery, for lack of sleep, for mood swings brought on by recovery/lack of sleep. No way to prepare me for all the uncertainty. I've discovered something about myself: when I'm encountering something new I like to talk to lots of different people about what I'm experiencing. Someone else needs to know about this! I also want them to tell me what to do. I'm so full of questions! I guess I'm learning that I want to do things right the first time, and if I don't know how to do it right, I'm very reluctant to jump in and do it anyway, knowing that there's the possibility of making a mistake or getting hurt. When I think about my life I can see how this has played out many times before! My twin Liz was always the first to do things like getting painful shots, seeing the scary doctor, dating, marriage, kids, everything! It's like I had always felt better going ahead with something after seeing that she did it successfully. If I notice someone's success with getting their baby to nap, sleep through the night, etc., I'm so eager to grill them and find out exactly what I need to do. The problem with this is that all kids are so different, and some things a mom just needs to figure out for herself.

Something else I couldn't have been prepared for: the JOY of being a mom. I have felt the love for a child before, but not the love and joy of mothering. The Lord has fulfilled the longing of my heart when it comes to being a mom. As evidenced by last night's tears shed for our baby Grace, there is still a longing in my heart for our baby Grace. I long for Hope to know her sister, to have a family of 4...oh, it could have been! It could have been. But it wasn't to be. There are some things in life that will always make me cry, and in some way it's inexplicable. Like, I can't even think about not crying before the tears are there. Some days I look at Hope and pray and pray for her, and give thanks for her, and long for Grace at the same time. My longing will be fulfilled one day in Heaven. Hope is such a symbol for us. She's a representation of the hope we have in our Savior, and also of the magnificent hope Luke and I experienced the day Grace was born, and then passed. She's a reminder of Gracie, of the pain and hurt, but also a reminder of God's loving care for us; incredible faithfulness and his blessings. We're so thankful for Hope!

Nothing could have prepared me for Hope.

I cannot wait to keep learning about her, to keep mothering her, to have conversations with her, to teach her new things, to watch her laugh with her daddy, to share her with Grandmas and Grandpas...