I'm just not going to fight it.

It's time to empty the tank, erase the hard drive, and I need to write it down.

I mostly feel ok about that, despite the gloomy nature of some things, because I'm pretty sure I know who is reading.

-We are pregnant!! We are expecting a baby BOY in August. August 19th. We expect this summer to be pretty low key, and quickly followed by a crazy autumn. By Christmas we expect to be semi- acclimated to life with more children than adults living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house. We expect forced time in bed this summer, but wow, I'd be so thankful for no Debrest. We are so blessed to be entrusted with another Demarest life, and it's a boy! What will we name him? Hmmm. We have a few options rolling around, but will most likely not decide for a few more months.

-The pregnancy so far is going really well. After a surgical procedure in February, my twice-a-month Dr. appts. have been nothing but encouraging. Praise God!

-Our cat Han died. We had to put him to sleep after his kidneys started to fail a few weeks ago. I was sad to say goodbye, and it was weird to not have him around for a while, but I do admit to feelings of gratitude. He was kind of a nuisance. He got sick on the carpet, walked on counters, made his presence known with a very loud meow early in the morning and all day long, and what was especially agrivating: he would purposefully add to the noise when both girls were crying. But hey, Han, Pumpkin misses you still. (we do too, sometimes.) Pumpkin is very clinging right now. She sleeps on our bed and rubs against my legs too much. At first I was afraid to hurt her feelings, and wanted to protect her little heart since she's suffered a loss. Now parts of me are like, Cat, chill.

-We went to the zoo! Hope and Luke LOVED it! I had fun too, but I was distracted a bit by making sure I was taking time to sit. I also got three hours of sleep the night before, so I got cranky. We shared a hotel room with our girls the night before, which is not awful, but I slept in between Hope and Luke, and listened to Olivia snore and cry most of the night. Poor girl did not have the best of sleeping arrangements. Neither did I, and I had a good cry before we ventured out to the zoo when Luke saw the onset of my rattled nerves and offered a hug.

-We are thinking about starting a small group at our house this fall. We love the group we are in, but it is getting large, and a split would benefit us. (but also cause me growing pains.) I'm thinking it might be a good thing to do since we will have three little ones in the fall, and we don't want to load up all three once a week, then have to babysit essentially, at bedtime, at someone else's house. I'm nervous about starting one though because we live in Moville in a small house. Who will come? Will we feel like we've bitten off too much after the baby comes? Will our home be adequate? I've recently learned there is another Moville/Lawton group that has started back up after a while of not doing anything, they are pretty large already, so the option of asking to join their group seems like we are stepping into something pretty well established. I'm not sure what we'll decide to do, but I know I really value that small group time to connect with other people, to study the Bible, and to experience all those things with my husband.

-Our laptop is dead. Not the most important thing to report, but this is why I am writing this post on my iPod. Hopefully there are not too many typos.

-Luke got a new position at work. We had dollar signs dancing in our eyes for a few weeks, and as so often happens, probably, we couldn't help but be a bit disappointed when he was offered the minimum amount possible for a raise. Every little bit helps, and we praise God for His provision. Still a little hard to swallow that our move from 122 Jones Street may not happen for a while.

-I do MOPS at our church a few times a month. Sometimes (like this week) I leave there feeling dumb and like I have no friends. Of course it gets me started thinking about many other relationships I am insecure in. Ugh. I also have a Bible study small group I do once a week. It is unfortunate that this week these two events fell back to back and I ended up crying at Bible study. I don't know the women on a personal level very well at Bible study because the focus is usually on the lesson, and not fellowship, although that is encouraged at different times. Anyway, there is a really kind lady who gave me a hug after I shared in group that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my two girls, husband, house, and baby on the way. Did you know a mother's job never ends? It's certainly not 8-5. And, yep, I broke down. Now she wants me to call her, and I just find it hard sometimes to accept that people want to help me after I share how I'm feeling. I think that might be wrong to feel that way because maybe God wants to use that person to help me. But, sometimes I can't handle a person feeling bad for me. I'm ok, I'm just having a weak moment, and I'm believing untruth. I need to stop that. But truly, I thank her and all the other ladies in my group who are remembering me in prayer this week. What a blessing to have them in my life.

-I hate that I'm starting to feel like people don't ask us to do things because we have kids. Especially since I know it probably wouldn't work out because we have kids, or other restrictions. Mostly I'm discouraged that I give into these feelings of insecurity too often. It has become my prayer that the Lord would shift my focus, allow me to care for the needs of my friends (and find new friends!) more than I care for my own needs, and to hold onto/remember these little beautiful moments with my girls that I would not trade for a million nights out. Praise God for my girls and God's daily blessings!

-This pregnancy is really different. I think I still have monthly emotional times, like now. How is that possible? Maybe it's happening more than once a month...yeah, it is. I'm just more emotional. I'm also so stinking hungry all the time. I don't remember being this hungry with my girls. I cry a lot. I'm irritated a lot. I'm carrying differently, but I also think part of that is due to the fact that I did not lose all my baby weight from Olivia. My skin is not blemish-free like with my girls, and I don't think my hair is getting thicker.

-I'm reading a book and listening to others. I'm reading The Help as fast as I can so I can get done with it before the movie arrives in the mail. The Netflix envelope is actually sitting in our PO box right now, I just don't get to the post office everyday like I used to. I just finished listening to The Hunger Games, and I started on Catching Fire last week. I'm team Peeta, right now anyway. I'm enjoying my reading tremendously.

-I want to get away with my husband before bedrest, and take a trip to Marshalltown. I feel an urgency to do both.

That's it. I know I need to lay my concerns and cares before the Lord. I do. I'm so thankful He listens and cares in just the right way.

Is it true? Is it good? Is it honest? Is it lovely? Is it of good report? Is it pure? .... Think on these things. Philippians 4:8

Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS flow.