The Angels are Rejoicing!

Sweet Olivia asked Jesus into her heart tonight. It might be the sweetest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. I told her the angels are rejoicing and we will be together forever! That makes her happy. Praise God!

"Mom, do you know when you'll go to heaven?"
"No, I don't. Nobody does. It happens when we die, or when Jesus comes back."
Astonished, "Jesus is coming back to Earth?"
"Yes, He will! Do you know that? He died on the cross, rose again, then he went up to Heaven." All these things she was familiar with. "And when he went up to heaven, he said live for me until I come back for you."
"What will happen when he comes back?"
"He will take everyone up to heaven with him."
We were talking in nearly whispers as her sister lay above us occasionally wondering what I was still doing talking to Olivia even after good-nights at 9:30 on a Wednesday night after AWANA.
"Will he take everyone in the whole world up to heaven with him?"
"No, he will only take the people who believe in him, and who have asked them to be their savior. When we ask Jesus to be our savior we get to go to heaven with him. Do you know what happens when you don't do that?"
"No."
"If you don't ask Jesus to be your savior, you go to a place called hell. Have you heard that word before?"
"No."
"It is a very bad place, and it's where the Devil is."
"How do you ask Jesus to be in your heart?"
"That's a really good question, Olivia. Some people pray a prayer and say thank you Jesus for dying for my sins. Please forgive my sins and come into my heart, and help me live my life for you. And whenever you're ready, Olivia, you can pray that prayer if you want Jesus to be in your heart."
"Can I do it right now?"
"Yes, you can, Olivia."
"You do it."
"I think it's something that you need to do."
"Me?"
"Yes, because Mommy already said that prayer."
"You did?"
"Yes. And Daddy did too, and Hope."
"And Griffin?"
"Not yet, but we will pray that he will someday."
I gave her some ideas of things she could say to Jesus in her prayer. And she began with no fear, very assured that this is what she wanted to do, and this is what she believed. This was her conviction.
"Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sin. And thank you for forgiving my sin. And thank you for loving me. Amen."
The angels are rejoicing!
"Do you want to also say something like please come into my heart, be my savior, thank you?"
"Yes"
So she did. She sweetly, quietly asked for a few helps. What a sweet soul she is. Praise God!
We spoke about how the angels are rejoicing because of her decision, and how the Holy Spirit is living inside of her right now. I had to explain what the Holy Spirit is, and what is does for people who believe in Jesus.
"I have the Holy Spirit living in me, and it helps me make good decisions. It helps me be a better mom. It helps me understand things about God. And now He is living in your heart to help you."
She was happy. She gave me big hugs, and we talked about who we would see in heaven.
As she drifts off to sleep tonight I know the Lord is rejoicing over her sensitive heart. He is loving her better than I am right now. I like to think of him seeing the things she'll do in her life to serve him, and seeing the heart to hearts they'll have. Lord, as she drifts off to sleep, I recognize that she is yours. Thank you ever so much for the privilege of being her Momma. I have received an incredible gift.
I checked on Hope and she wondered why we had taken so long. Our whispers...
"Olivia and I were talking about Jesus, and she just asked Jesus into her heart."
Realizing the weight of those words, "She did?"
"Yes, isn't that wonderful?"
"mm-hmm. I already did that."
"Yes, you did, and now we will be in heaven together forever."
We again talked about how we all will, but Griffin has not made that decision yet.
So, we pray. Lord, we ask with hopeful hearts and dependent hearts that you would bring Griffin to yourself. And we praise you with adoring hearts that you have given Daddy, Mommy, Hope and Olivia the gift of salvation.
The Lord be praised.

More Than Chocolate

Hope told me recently she loves me more than chocolate. It was a thoughtful, tender exchange.
It was really sweet.
Sometimes a person just needs to write this stuff down.

Glorious Unfolding

This song recently made me breathe a deep sigh of relief and cry tears and tears.

When I had two doctors in 10 days tell me they think I have Fibro I took it pretty hard. It felt a little like a death sentence. It felt a little like the life that lay before me was grim and hard, a percentage of the life I imagined/wanted. I felt like there was a battle going on for my thoughts and mind and attitude. A battle between good and evil, joy and depression, God and Satan. I feel deep within me that I need to saturate my mind with the Lord and his truth, his goodness, his righteous way. Memorize scripture, read the word, listen to good music. There is a battle for my mind. The war is on.
One morning I'm getting ready for Bible study and I remember a song a friend shared with me when I cried to her fresh off of my "diagnosis". (That is if Fibro is indeed my diagnosis.) She must have sensed how I felt so broken and bleak. She shared with me "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I was telling her it felt like the end. She said, or it's just the beginning. I didn't really get it...
I grabbed my phone and played it for the first time and listened to every word. Within the first 11 words I was crying off the eye makeup I had just applied. It was useless to continue to apply, I just needed to take a break and listen. Let the music speak and minister. The song has become my anthem. My story is so far from over. I'm ever so thankful for this song because it is really helping me.

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Praise God! Thank you Jesus for this message that is helping me so much.

Psalty is at it again

I played Psalty 5 for my kids this morning as we drove to LeMars. It's the camping one. I really listened to one of the songs this time.

It ministered to me as I stand at the base of this Fibro mountain. I have no idea how I want to help myself at this point. I'm immobilized; too afraid to take a step. I'm sad about it. I'm mourning my reality. It's effecting me and my life and my relationships. I don't like that. I don't want to let it. I don't have to let it. I can be in control of this, and not let it control me. Or can I? Am I strong enough?

Psalty says:
There are mountain climbing experiences all through life. Around every bend there's going to be a new mountain, a new opportunity for us to grow and to see God work in our lives. When you start something, it's important to finish it. One thing about climbing mountains is you never do it in one big leap. You do it one step at a time. We don't have to trust God for the strength to make it to the top of the mountain. You only need to trust him for the strength to take the next step. The way you climb a mountain is one step at a time.

Kids Praise! 5
ONE STEP AT A TIME

Verse 1
When something seems too hard to handle
Too big to conquer, too far away to touch,
When all your dreams begin to shatter,
And deep inside you you’re hurting, oh, so much,
That’s when it’s time to say

Chorus
I’m climbing my mountain step by step
I’m climbing my mountain day by day
I’m climbing my mountain all the way
I’m climbing my mountain, I’m gonna make it
One step at a time, One step at a time,
One step at a time with Jesus by my side
One step at a time, One step at a time,
I’m climbing my mountain one step at a time

Verse 2
Even though you might grow weary
Don’t be discouraged, in your weakness God is strong
Remember this, He’ll never leave you,
He won’t forsake you, He’s your strength and He’s your song
So sing and start to say

100 Ears, 100 Arms

H used her hands to hurt her sister again tonight.
She's in the top bunk, her sister is in the bottom. The lights are off. It's past bed time.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Do not use your hands to hurt your sister. I think you use your hands to hurt your sister when she is not doing what you want her to do. That is not ok." I'm pretty stern-faced.
I lean over to kiss O and say goodnight.
I look at H and she says, "Mom can I tell you something?"
I step up on the mattress and get close to her face.
She starts to tear up.
"I'm a forgetter."
"Oh, yeah, you forget to not use your hands to hurt, and now you're feeling bad."
"I forget when I hit G in the belly, and when I push O. I just forget to not use my hands to hurt."
She's crying pretty hard.
I'm hugging her.
"H, do you want to say a prayer and ask God to forgive you for your sins?"
"Uh huh. God, please forgive me for hurting my brother and sister, and help me not to forget."
She's still crying.
I feel like crying because I'm so moved and so proud of her. This is the most sincere prayer I have ever heard from her. I feel like it's her first heart-broken, heart-felt prayer. She is turning to the Lord to meet her needs and depending on him to help her.
"I'm so proud of you, H. You're such a good girl. God hears your prayer, and He is so happy to hear from you. He is so glad you asked for help, and he will help you!"
"Mom, what if God is at another prayer?"
"That's a really good question, H. Did you know that God hears everyone's prayers at the same time? He hears your prayers even if I'm praying at the same time as you."
She giggles and smiles.
"It's like he has 100 ears."
"Yeah, kinda like that. He listened to your prayer, and he is going to be so happy to help you."
"Mom, what if he's helping someone else?"
I give her the "you know what?!?" look.
She giggles and says, "He's got 100 arms."
"You're right, H. He helps us all at the same time."

I'm so proud of my Fancy Face, and so thankful for this reminder. My little girl ministered to my soul tonight. God really wants to hear from me, and he really wants to help me. That's what I believe.

Thank you

Olivia walked out of bed on this Christmas Day evening. It's 9:30 and long past bed time. I'm preparing myself to send her back to bed with a slight scolding as I've done hundreds of times in her lifetime, but only for the first time this evening. She says to me, "Mom?" in a very quiet voice. I say, "What do you need Olivia?" in a slightly impatient tone. Gaining confidence since I didn't immediately send her to her room, she starts walking toward me saying, "I need to tell you something in your ear." I walk towards her against my better judgment since I'm sure she's going to repeat what she said to me earlier today in this same manner: "I have to go potty." She moves her mouth right over my ear, I ready myself to say, "Then go, and go back to bed. You don't need to tell me before you go potty."

She whispers, "Thank you."

She's so thankful for her Anna doll that she's holding and taking to bed with her tonight, and dressing and undressing while she should be sleeping.
I'm so thankful that my daughter is sitting in bed, playing, and gratitude wells up in her heart and she just needs to tell me how she feels. I'm so thankful for her grateful, sweet spirit. I'm so thankful that our talks about being thankful at Christmas have taken root somewhat.

Merry Christmas. It's been a great one at our house. I'm very thankful for the real reason for Christmas. I'm still enchanted by that story...probably why my most favorite time of the season is Christmas Eve night. When I was only 5 or 6, on Christmas Eve night, I asked Jesus to be my Savior, and dedicated my life to Him. God still grabs my heart on that night.

One Year Later

I think the last time I wrote a blog post was one year ago. I think people might have stopped checking this.



I wanted to write something down about today. Something happened. It was emotion, and it was a reminder that I'm alive and feel deeply, and a reminder of the therapy there is in human dialogue that goes beyond pleasantries. When I was driving away, I couldn't believe how long it had been since I opened myself up to cry in front of someone, and this time, I had no control over it...it just happened.



Hope has been going to VBS in Moville this week. Today was day 4 of 4. I'm glad she got to go because our church is not doing one. And I thought it might introduce her to some Moville kids her age. And I thought it might get her ready for preschool with the whole leaving Mommy and siblings to do something by herself aspect. I was not surprised that when I dropped her off and picked her up on day 1 I was so very critical. Critical of Moville, critical of what they did NOT do to put a parent at ease, and critical of other people for having conversations with people they know, because how dare everyone in Moville be related to each other. And how dare everyone in Moville ignore me because they don't know my face. That's not always true. And sorry about my critical tendency.



I've had a rough 10 days because I'm trying this elimination diet to see if I can get myself feeling better. It's been a long, stressful year with all of our projects, and moves, and changes. In the last two years I have had a premature baby, NICU time, improving a house, showing a house, selling a house, moving, building a house, planning a new house, sometimes single parenting three lovely but young children, being a bit lonely in a small town that grew on me, moving again, adjusting to new neighbors and finding where I fit in, and being a bit lonely in another small town (because I think a SAHM might struggle with loneliness wherever she is). Also during this time I've developed some concerning health symptoms that I just can't get to the bottom of, not yet at least.



So, I'm wondering if there's been stress in my life? Not wondering if there's been stress. I'm wondering if the stress in my life has been affecting my health physically AND emotionally. I was taken aback by my response to a woman I met today, and it alerted me. Have I been neglecting an emotional outlet, and have I been closing myself off to the people around me? I really think I have. I know I've neglected to share life with other people, my family and friends. I've not reached out, I've not made myself uncomfortable to show interest in their lives or struggles. At least, not enough.



Today I went to pick up Hope at church for the last time and was really touched by the normal thing that happened. The lady at the long VBS table said, "Come, come. Come and find your child's magnet. Look for a face you recognize."

• Wow, how refreshing to be addressed upon entering the building. Every other time I've had to ask what to do, where to go....and honestly, it infuriated me. It was another evidence to me that people in Moville don't explain things. They just expect everyone to know already because of course they would...you grew up here right? You've done this before right? No, I haven't. And I don't know you. I'm coming to your turf now too, it's your safe place, not mine. Please help me feel at ease with my most prized possession, my child. And please show me that you're interested in meeting new people. And please just be friendly. If you're not, I get defensive and I shut down. I've seen myself do this time and time again...I shut down and get critical of you and everything you're doing. It's a bad way to operate. 

The woman smiled at me and continued to explain until I found Hope's magnet. When she saw who my daughter is she said, "Oh, so you're Hope's mom. You're a Demarest. So how do you know Sarah Gitlin?"

• My eyes welled up. Someone in Moville notices I'm here. She's having a conversation with me. She has a connection with me. She's interested in me. Why was this making me cry? Could she tell my eyes were watering? I didn't have tears roll down my face, but I felt like she had to know. I fully expected her to say something like, how do you know Mark Demarest or Luke Demarest or any other Demarest since I get that so often in this Correctionville area. It was meaningful to me to have it not be that, for some reason. She had recognized the Demarest name all week, and knew that name from Facebook. That's funny. I comment on stuff, and she sees my name. She was interested in me...how am I friends with her friend?  Sarah means so much to me; it was almost like the mention of her name was part of why it affected me so much.

We talked about how great Sarah is, how I (we) know her, a future party Sarah is hosting, the coffee shop in CVille, and again how great the Gitlins are.

• I came away so thankful she had a conversation with me. I want to engage people in conversation because what she did was not hard, it was just a good thing to do. I didn't even know it would mean that much to me, but it just goes to show how important it is to have a conversation with someone who is out of their safe place. Show an interest in someone new. And finally, I came away hoping upon hope that somebody somewhere has had a similar conversation about me.  "How do you know Deb?" TEARS. "Isn't she great? We have been friends for a long time. The Demarests, well, they're lifetime friends. I love spending time with her at her house. She was there for me when I really needed her." I hope that's who I am to other people. Ha, kinda funny because it seems like I want to hear good things about myself. But really, I just want to be involved in the lives of others. And I want them to have a positive experience...to feel better, be better, having known me.

Thanks to the woman who talked to me today. It was meaningful.