Olivia walked out of bed on this Christmas Day evening. It's 9:30 and long past bed time. I'm preparing myself to send her back to bed with a slight scolding as I've done hundreds of times in her lifetime, but only for the first time this evening. She says to me, "Mom?" in a very quiet voice. I say, "What do you need Olivia?" in a slightly impatient tone. Gaining confidence since I didn't immediately send her to her room, she starts walking toward me saying, "I need to tell you something in your ear." I walk towards her against my better judgment since I'm sure she's going to repeat what she said to me earlier today in this same manner: "I have to go potty." She moves her mouth right over my ear, I ready myself to say, "Then go, and go back to bed. You don't need to tell me before you go potty."
She whispers, "Thank you."
She's so thankful for her Anna doll that she's holding and taking to bed with her tonight, and dressing and undressing while she should be sleeping.
I'm so thankful that my daughter is sitting in bed, playing, and gratitude wells up in her heart and she just needs to tell me how she feels. I'm so thankful for her grateful, sweet spirit. I'm so thankful that our talks about being thankful at Christmas have taken root somewhat.
Merry Christmas. It's been a great one at our house. I'm very thankful for the real reason for Christmas. I'm still enchanted by that story...probably why my most favorite time of the season is Christmas Eve night. When I was only 5 or 6, on Christmas Eve night, I asked Jesus to be my Savior, and dedicated my life to Him. God still grabs my heart on that night.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
One Year Later
I think the last time I wrote a blog post was one year ago. I think people might have stopped checking this.
I wanted to write something down about today. Something happened. It was emotion, and it was a reminder that I'm alive and feel deeply, and a reminder of the therapy there is in human dialogue that goes beyond pleasantries. When I was driving away, I couldn't believe how long it had been since I opened myself up to cry in front of someone, and this time, I had no control over it...it just happened.
Hope has been going to VBS in Moville this week. Today was day 4 of 4. I'm glad she got to go because our church is not doing one. And I thought it might introduce her to some Moville kids her age. And I thought it might get her ready for preschool with the whole leaving Mommy and siblings to do something by herself aspect. I was not surprised that when I dropped her off and picked her up on day 1 I was so very critical. Critical of Moville, critical of what they did NOT do to put a parent at ease, and critical of other people for having conversations with people they know, because how dare everyone in Moville be related to each other. And how dare everyone in Moville ignore me because they don't know my face. That's not always true. And sorry about my critical tendency.
I've had a rough 10 days because I'm trying this elimination diet to see if I can get myself feeling better. It's been a long, stressful year with all of our projects, and moves, and changes. In the last two years I have had a premature baby, NICU time, improving a house, showing a house, selling a house, moving, building a house, planning a new house, sometimes single parenting three lovely but young children, being a bit lonely in a small town that grew on me, moving again, adjusting to new neighbors and finding where I fit in, and being a bit lonely in another small town (because I think a SAHM might struggle with loneliness wherever she is). Also during this time I've developed some concerning health symptoms that I just can't get to the bottom of, not yet at least.
So, I'm wondering if there's been stress in my life? Not wondering if there's been stress. I'm wondering if the stress in my life has been affecting my health physically AND emotionally. I was taken aback by my response to a woman I met today, and it alerted me. Have I been neglecting an emotional outlet, and have I been closing myself off to the people around me? I really think I have. I know I've neglected to share life with other people, my family and friends. I've not reached out, I've not made myself uncomfortable to show interest in their lives or struggles. At least, not enough.
Today I went to pick up Hope at church for the last time and was really touched by the normal thing that happened. The lady at the long VBS table said, "Come, come. Come and find your child's magnet. Look for a face you recognize."
The woman smiled at me and continued to explain until I found Hope's magnet. When she saw who my daughter is she said, "Oh, so you're Hope's mom. You're a Demarest. So how do you know Sarah Gitlin?"
We talked about how great Sarah is, how I (we) know her, a future party Sarah is hosting, the coffee shop in CVille, and again how great the Gitlins are.
Thanks to the woman who talked to me today. It was meaningful.
I wanted to write something down about today. Something happened. It was emotion, and it was a reminder that I'm alive and feel deeply, and a reminder of the therapy there is in human dialogue that goes beyond pleasantries. When I was driving away, I couldn't believe how long it had been since I opened myself up to cry in front of someone, and this time, I had no control over it...it just happened.
Hope has been going to VBS in Moville this week. Today was day 4 of 4. I'm glad she got to go because our church is not doing one. And I thought it might introduce her to some Moville kids her age. And I thought it might get her ready for preschool with the whole leaving Mommy and siblings to do something by herself aspect. I was not surprised that when I dropped her off and picked her up on day 1 I was so very critical. Critical of Moville, critical of what they did NOT do to put a parent at ease, and critical of other people for having conversations with people they know, because how dare everyone in Moville be related to each other. And how dare everyone in Moville ignore me because they don't know my face. That's not always true. And sorry about my critical tendency.
I've had a rough 10 days because I'm trying this elimination diet to see if I can get myself feeling better. It's been a long, stressful year with all of our projects, and moves, and changes. In the last two years I have had a premature baby, NICU time, improving a house, showing a house, selling a house, moving, building a house, planning a new house, sometimes single parenting three lovely but young children, being a bit lonely in a small town that grew on me, moving again, adjusting to new neighbors and finding where I fit in, and being a bit lonely in another small town (because I think a SAHM might struggle with loneliness wherever she is). Also during this time I've developed some concerning health symptoms that I just can't get to the bottom of, not yet at least.
So, I'm wondering if there's been stress in my life? Not wondering if there's been stress. I'm wondering if the stress in my life has been affecting my health physically AND emotionally. I was taken aback by my response to a woman I met today, and it alerted me. Have I been neglecting an emotional outlet, and have I been closing myself off to the people around me? I really think I have. I know I've neglected to share life with other people, my family and friends. I've not reached out, I've not made myself uncomfortable to show interest in their lives or struggles. At least, not enough.
Today I went to pick up Hope at church for the last time and was really touched by the normal thing that happened. The lady at the long VBS table said, "Come, come. Come and find your child's magnet. Look for a face you recognize."
- Wow, how refreshing to be addressed upon entering the building. Every other time I've had to ask what to do, where to go....and honestly, it infuriated me. It was another evidence to me that people in Moville don't explain things. They just expect everyone to know already because of course they would...you grew up here right? You've done this before right? No, I haven't. And I don't know you. I'm coming to your turf now too, it's your safe place, not mine. Please help me feel at ease with my most prized possession, my child. And please show me that you're interested in meeting new people. And please just be friendly. If you're not, I get defensive and I shut down. I've seen myself do this time and time again...I shut down and get critical of you and everything you're doing. It's a bad way to operate.
The woman smiled at me and continued to explain until I found Hope's magnet. When she saw who my daughter is she said, "Oh, so you're Hope's mom. You're a Demarest. So how do you know Sarah Gitlin?"
- My eyes welled up. Someone in Moville notices I'm here. She's having a conversation with me. She has a connection with me. She's interested in me. Why was this making me cry? Could she tell my eyes were watering? I didn't have tears roll down my face, but I felt like she had to know. I fully expected her to say something like, how do you know Mark Demarest or Luke Demarest or any other Demarest since I get that so often in this Correctionville area. It was meaningful to me to have it not be that, for some reason. She had recognized the Demarest name all week, and knew that name from Facebook. That's funny. I comment on stuff, and she sees my name. She was interested in me...how am I friends with her friend? Sarah means so much to me; it was almost like the mention of her name was part of why it affected me so much.
We talked about how great Sarah is, how I (we) know her, a future party Sarah is hosting, the coffee shop in CVille, and again how great the Gitlins are.
- I came away so thankful she had a conversation with me. I want to engage people in conversation because what she did was not hard, it was just a good thing to do. I didn't even know it would mean that much to me, but it just goes to show how important it is to have a conversation with someone who is out of their safe place. Show an interest in someone new. And finally, I came away hoping upon hope that somebody somewhere has had a similar conversation about me. "How do you know Deb?" TEARS. "Isn't she great? We have been friends for a long time. The Demarests, well, they're lifetime friends. I love spending time with her at her house. She was there for me when I really needed her." I hope that's who I am to other people. Ha, kinda funny because it seems like I want to hear good things about myself. But really, I just want to be involved in the lives of others. And I want them to have a positive experience...to feel better, be better, having known me.
Thanks to the woman who talked to me today. It was meaningful.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Olivia's Second Year
Today I finished Olivia's photo book for her second year. I really enjoy creating the books, but I always have way too many pictures. It may look a little cluttered, but at least she'll have lots to look at in years to come.
Hopefully this link works...
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcM3DVi5auGzo4&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET
Hopefully this link works...
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcM3DVi5auGzo4&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET
Saturday, March 23, 2013
It's my life and I'm going to grab it
I've always wanted to follow the rules. Unless I think you're rules are dumb. If that's the case I will do what I KNOW is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes I will argue and show my emotion in a kind of embarrassing way. My mom used to tell me, "You argue! I'm going to tell your husband someday that you like to argue." I don't think she has, but I don't think she's needed to either. Luke found out on his own.
Anyway, in general, I'm going to follow your rules with little thought.
Maybe that's a problem though.
I've noticed my surprising lack of thought when it comes to living my own life. It's like, through years of conditioning and observation, I've noted and kept careful track of these "Rules of Life". A silly example: "There is one way to sell a house. You hire a realtor and put a sign in the yard." There's always another option when you are a Demarest, and usually it's a cheaper, do-it-yourself kind of option. This has taken some getting used to. Not to say that it's always the right option, or that we always go that route.
Anyway, because I'm for the most part a rule follower, I don't think out of the box. I guess you could say my strong suit is not creative play. Give me rules and tell me how to do it, or how you figured it out, and I'll copy you. I do that over and over again.
I've been thinking lately, "It's my life. I want it to count. I don't want to wake up one day and look around to find my children grown and be unhappy with how I've lived because I haven't taken responsibility for what is happening here. I don't want to fail at planning our life, fail at being purposeful, fail at making decisions/actions that are eternal. It's not everybody else's life. Who cares what they do. I can do something different. It's not wrong if it's different."
Luke and I are HORRIBLE at making decisions. Absolutely horrible. We definitely put off making them. Is it because we generally don't care either way? Sometimes, but not always. Sometimes it's because we are procrastinators. We know the decision doesn't need to be made yet, so we won't talk about it any more than we have to, until the need for a decision is upon us. That can be dangerous in life because what if that leads to a hasty decision? What if our lack of discussion and time given to the subject leads to a decision we will be unhappy with later?
The good news is that we have put a lot of thought into our current living and building situation and we are moving ahead in a prepared manner. The bad news is that for the next 6-12 months there will be many decisions that will confront us daily. If you see me lying on the floor in the fetal position you know it's because I can't handle all these decisions.
In conclusion, I want to own my life. I want to write a purpose statement for my life and revisit it periodically. I don't want my life to happen by accident or have other people tell me how to live it. I want it to be purposeful, eternally-driven, and a true testimony of God's faithfulness. When I wake up in the morning I want to say, "Yep, this is my life. I chose this. I'm happy with what it is."
I am, by the way...happy with what it is.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Anyway, in general, I'm going to follow your rules with little thought.
Maybe that's a problem though.
I've noticed my surprising lack of thought when it comes to living my own life. It's like, through years of conditioning and observation, I've noted and kept careful track of these "Rules of Life". A silly example: "There is one way to sell a house. You hire a realtor and put a sign in the yard." There's always another option when you are a Demarest, and usually it's a cheaper, do-it-yourself kind of option. This has taken some getting used to. Not to say that it's always the right option, or that we always go that route.
Anyway, because I'm for the most part a rule follower, I don't think out of the box. I guess you could say my strong suit is not creative play. Give me rules and tell me how to do it, or how you figured it out, and I'll copy you. I do that over and over again.
I've been thinking lately, "It's my life. I want it to count. I don't want to wake up one day and look around to find my children grown and be unhappy with how I've lived because I haven't taken responsibility for what is happening here. I don't want to fail at planning our life, fail at being purposeful, fail at making decisions/actions that are eternal. It's not everybody else's life. Who cares what they do. I can do something different. It's not wrong if it's different."
Luke and I are HORRIBLE at making decisions. Absolutely horrible. We definitely put off making them. Is it because we generally don't care either way? Sometimes, but not always. Sometimes it's because we are procrastinators. We know the decision doesn't need to be made yet, so we won't talk about it any more than we have to, until the need for a decision is upon us. That can be dangerous in life because what if that leads to a hasty decision? What if our lack of discussion and time given to the subject leads to a decision we will be unhappy with later?
The good news is that we have put a lot of thought into our current living and building situation and we are moving ahead in a prepared manner. The bad news is that for the next 6-12 months there will be many decisions that will confront us daily. If you see me lying on the floor in the fetal position you know it's because I can't handle all these decisions.
In conclusion, I want to own my life. I want to write a purpose statement for my life and revisit it periodically. I don't want my life to happen by accident or have other people tell me how to live it. I want it to be purposeful, eternally-driven, and a true testimony of God's faithfulness. When I wake up in the morning I want to say, "Yep, this is my life. I chose this. I'm happy with what it is."
I am, by the way...happy with what it is.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Life in the 'Ville
What should I tell you about the last few months? I will give you an update from my new HP Elite Pad...not to be confused with a Leap Pad. They sound similar. We have made the distinction at our house already.
* We have been living at Luke's grandparent's house since we moved on Thanksgiving weekend. When we moved in, Grandpa was living in the nursing home, so the house was vacant. Grandpa has since passed away. We are thankful for the family's generosity to let us stay here while we wait for our new house to be built. The house meets our needs nicely, except for the number of bedrooms. There are two. Griffin currently sleeps in a oversized closet in his pack 'n play. He will be well into his second year by the time we move again, so we will cross the bridge of moving him out of there and into...the girls' room?? Not sure what to do about that yet.
* It is definitely still winter here. I'm not happy about it, but I'm also not walking around complaining about it. We have spent much of the winter here, in the 'Ville, playing inside and recovering from multiple rounds of illness. It will be nice to officially welcome spring with the warmer temps hopefully next week. We need to get out of the house.
* When spring arrives we will begin construction on our new house. I'm excited and nervous. Excited because what a tremendous gift and blessing that is all wrapped up in a ranch style, 5-bedroom, 3-bathroom, main-floor-laundry house (when completed). Nervous because money makes me nervous, and this is a huge financial endeavor. I'm completely scared of spending too much on carpet and not having enough money for the kitchen cabinets that I want (for example). One thing I heard this week, on the Today show, that I'm really taking to heart is that a lack of will power is really just a failure to be organized. So, the problem is not that I'm an over spender or an over eater, it's that I don't have a budget or a daily food plan.
* Enter food. This winter has also seen me running on my treadmill and attempting to keep better tabs on what I'm eating. As I alluded to earlier, I've seen my need for a food plan. I need to be keeping track of my calories if I want to aid my running in accomplishing my weight loss goal. I have a 5K goal for this year. I plan to run one on July 6.
*Something I've been pondering...what in the world is my community right now??? I want to serve and minister to a community, and be part of a community, but seriously, what is my community? C'ville? I feel like I only just live here, buy gas and 32 ounces at the local Casey's, and occasionally shop at the new grocery store. Motown? (my pet name) Not really. Not yet. When we were there before it's scary how few connections we had. BSF? This weekly Bible study provides a wonderful community of ladies of many ages. I love sitting in a room of ladies 10-40 years my senior. Suddenly I am transported to a world and perspective that is refreshing and uplifting, at least this year. Unfortunately I can only make it there half the time...that's life with three that are so little. So I can't really say I'm contributing to a community there, at least not consistently. A church community? This is by far the strongest one, but even that isn't saying much these days. I've missed a lot of church lately because of sick kids. When I am there it seems like I'm juggling a diaper bag and kids and coats, and find it hard to focus on other people, other surroundings. Usually when I am there I walk away having had at least one good conversation so that's good. BUT I feel like a missing element right now is my contribution factor. I know it will get better and easier, so I'm going to ride this tide trying to live purposefully wherever I am. I guess that "wherever" just happens to be with three little ones that depend on me for so much right now. That's kind of a beautiful place to be. I like them a lot, and I'm pretty bent on making sure they are smart, respectful, kind and caring with a knowledge and love for God. I want them to learn it from me, so I guess I'm in the right place.
* On the other hand, am I seriously still spoon feeding a baby? Yes. I thought about this today and it blew my mind a little.
It's late, and I'm already breaking my "No social media contribution after 11 pm" rule and my "Close your eyes by 10 pm" rule.
I'll end by attempting to upload the first picture I took with the HP Elite.
* We have been living at Luke's grandparent's house since we moved on Thanksgiving weekend. When we moved in, Grandpa was living in the nursing home, so the house was vacant. Grandpa has since passed away. We are thankful for the family's generosity to let us stay here while we wait for our new house to be built. The house meets our needs nicely, except for the number of bedrooms. There are two. Griffin currently sleeps in a oversized closet in his pack 'n play. He will be well into his second year by the time we move again, so we will cross the bridge of moving him out of there and into...the girls' room?? Not sure what to do about that yet.
* It is definitely still winter here. I'm not happy about it, but I'm also not walking around complaining about it. We have spent much of the winter here, in the 'Ville, playing inside and recovering from multiple rounds of illness. It will be nice to officially welcome spring with the warmer temps hopefully next week. We need to get out of the house.
* When spring arrives we will begin construction on our new house. I'm excited and nervous. Excited because what a tremendous gift and blessing that is all wrapped up in a ranch style, 5-bedroom, 3-bathroom, main-floor-laundry house (when completed). Nervous because money makes me nervous, and this is a huge financial endeavor. I'm completely scared of spending too much on carpet and not having enough money for the kitchen cabinets that I want (for example). One thing I heard this week, on the Today show, that I'm really taking to heart is that a lack of will power is really just a failure to be organized. So, the problem is not that I'm an over spender or an over eater, it's that I don't have a budget or a daily food plan.
* Enter food. This winter has also seen me running on my treadmill and attempting to keep better tabs on what I'm eating. As I alluded to earlier, I've seen my need for a food plan. I need to be keeping track of my calories if I want to aid my running in accomplishing my weight loss goal. I have a 5K goal for this year. I plan to run one on July 6.
*Something I've been pondering...what in the world is my community right now??? I want to serve and minister to a community, and be part of a community, but seriously, what is my community? C'ville? I feel like I only just live here, buy gas and 32 ounces at the local Casey's, and occasionally shop at the new grocery store. Motown? (my pet name) Not really. Not yet. When we were there before it's scary how few connections we had. BSF? This weekly Bible study provides a wonderful community of ladies of many ages. I love sitting in a room of ladies 10-40 years my senior. Suddenly I am transported to a world and perspective that is refreshing and uplifting, at least this year. Unfortunately I can only make it there half the time...that's life with three that are so little. So I can't really say I'm contributing to a community there, at least not consistently. A church community? This is by far the strongest one, but even that isn't saying much these days. I've missed a lot of church lately because of sick kids. When I am there it seems like I'm juggling a diaper bag and kids and coats, and find it hard to focus on other people, other surroundings. Usually when I am there I walk away having had at least one good conversation so that's good. BUT I feel like a missing element right now is my contribution factor. I know it will get better and easier, so I'm going to ride this tide trying to live purposefully wherever I am. I guess that "wherever" just happens to be with three little ones that depend on me for so much right now. That's kind of a beautiful place to be. I like them a lot, and I'm pretty bent on making sure they are smart, respectful, kind and caring with a knowledge and love for God. I want them to learn it from me, so I guess I'm in the right place.
* On the other hand, am I seriously still spoon feeding a baby? Yes. I thought about this today and it blew my mind a little.
It's late, and I'm already breaking my "No social media contribution after 11 pm" rule and my "Close your eyes by 10 pm" rule.
I'll end by attempting to upload the first picture I took with the HP Elite.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
January 20, 2013
Today we remember Grace.
And we dedicated Griffin.
Thank you, God, for full arms today. We are so blessed. That makes us happy. At the same time we miss Grace. That makes us remember and grieve our loss. We also get super thankful for the chance to see her again in perfection.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, (Romans 5:3, 4 ESV)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
And we dedicated Griffin.
Thank you, God, for full arms today. We are so blessed. That makes us happy. At the same time we miss Grace. That makes us remember and grieve our loss. We also get super thankful for the chance to see her again in perfection.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, (Romans 5:3, 4 ESV)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:4th St,Correctionville,United States