Thursday, June 09, 2016
Broke my heart
Tonight in tears Hope told me she doesn't like her face. This broke my heart. I asked her what she meant. She said when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. My face. It's too much like an oval.
I realized I don't know how to help her feel better. I've thought these things too--not that my face is too oval, but a thousand other things. The thought ran through my mind: oh no, what have I said to be an example of this kind of attitude? I did not seem crazy to me that she might have heard me say something similar, and now she's starting to look for things she doesn't like about herself. Oh Lord, I feel terrible if I've caused her to ever think that she has reason to dislike her body.
My heart broke because I see no wrong thing when I look at Hope. I think she is gorgeous! But I didn't want to say you're beautiful! You're gorgeous! You're prettier than any other little girl! She needs to value herself, she needs to see her worth, she needs to see her own beauty on the inside and then hopefully she'll see what I see on the outside too.
I had her look at my face. She smiled and giggled a little and stopped crying. I asked if my face is oval. She said yes. I asked if she likes my face. She said yes. I told her she is just right and so beautiful in God's eyes and mine.
We got interrupted at that minute, and I'm not sure if she felt any better. I guess at this time I'm thankful she felt safe enough to tell me how she feels. I'm also encouraged to be careful about what I say about myself. I'm also encouraged to help her understand how God feels about her and help her find her beauty and worth and talent and value.
She's so beautiful! It is so sad to me that she dislikes what she sees in the mirror. I can find no ugly thing!
Is this how God feels about me?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
The Angels are Rejoicing!
Sweet Olivia asked Jesus into her heart tonight. It might be the sweetest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. I told her the angels are rejoicing and we will be together forever! That makes her happy. Praise God!
"Mom, do you know when you'll go to heaven?"
"No, I don't. Nobody does. It happens when we die, or when Jesus comes back."
Astonished, "Jesus is coming back to Earth?"
"Yes, He will! Do you know that? He died on the cross, rose again, then he went up to Heaven." All these things she was familiar with. "And when he went up to heaven, he said live for me until I come back for you."
"What will happen when he comes back?"
"He will take everyone up to heaven with him."
We were talking in nearly whispers as her sister lay above us occasionally wondering what I was still doing talking to Olivia even after good-nights at 9:30 on a Wednesday night after AWANA.
"Will he take everyone in the whole world up to heaven with him?"
"No, he will only take the people who believe in him, and who have asked them to be their savior. When we ask Jesus to be our savior we get to go to heaven with him. Do you know what happens when you don't do that?"
"No."
"If you don't ask Jesus to be your savior, you go to a place called hell. Have you heard that word before?"
"No."
"It is a very bad place, and it's where the Devil is."
"How do you ask Jesus to be in your heart?"
"That's a really good question, Olivia. Some people pray a prayer and say thank you Jesus for dying for my sins. Please forgive my sins and come into my heart, and help me live my life for you. And whenever you're ready, Olivia, you can pray that prayer if you want Jesus to be in your heart."
"Can I do it right now?"
"Yes, you can, Olivia."
"You do it."
"I think it's something that you need to do."
"Me?"
"Yes, because Mommy already said that prayer."
"You did?"
"Yes. And Daddy did too, and Hope."
"And Griffin?"
"Not yet, but we will pray that he will someday."
I gave her some ideas of things she could say to Jesus in her prayer. And she began with no fear, very assured that this is what she wanted to do, and this is what she believed. This was her conviction.
"Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sin. And thank you for forgiving my sin. And thank you for loving me. Amen."
The angels are rejoicing!
"Do you want to also say something like please come into my heart, be my savior, thank you?"
"Yes"
So she did. She sweetly, quietly asked for a few helps. What a sweet soul she is. Praise God!
We spoke about how the angels are rejoicing because of her decision, and how the Holy Spirit is living inside of her right now. I had to explain what the Holy Spirit is, and what is does for people who believe in Jesus.
"I have the Holy Spirit living in me, and it helps me make good decisions. It helps me be a better mom. It helps me understand things about God. And now He is living in your heart to help you."
She was happy. She gave me big hugs, and we talked about who we would see in heaven.
As she drifts off to sleep tonight I know the Lord is rejoicing over her sensitive heart. He is loving her better than I am right now. I like to think of him seeing the things she'll do in her life to serve him, and seeing the heart to hearts they'll have. Lord, as she drifts off to sleep, I recognize that she is yours. Thank you ever so much for the privilege of being her Momma. I have received an incredible gift.
I checked on Hope and she wondered why we had taken so long. Our whispers...
"Olivia and I were talking about Jesus, and she just asked Jesus into her heart."
Realizing the weight of those words, "She did?"
"Yes, isn't that wonderful?"
"mm-hmm. I already did that."
"Yes, you did, and now we will be in heaven together forever."
We again talked about how we all will, but Griffin has not made that decision yet.
So, we pray. Lord, we ask with hopeful hearts and dependent hearts that you would bring Griffin to yourself. And we praise you with adoring hearts that you have given Daddy, Mommy, Hope and Olivia the gift of salvation.
The Lord be praised.
"Mom, do you know when you'll go to heaven?"
"No, I don't. Nobody does. It happens when we die, or when Jesus comes back."
Astonished, "Jesus is coming back to Earth?"
"Yes, He will! Do you know that? He died on the cross, rose again, then he went up to Heaven." All these things she was familiar with. "And when he went up to heaven, he said live for me until I come back for you."
"What will happen when he comes back?"
"He will take everyone up to heaven with him."
We were talking in nearly whispers as her sister lay above us occasionally wondering what I was still doing talking to Olivia even after good-nights at 9:30 on a Wednesday night after AWANA.
"Will he take everyone in the whole world up to heaven with him?"
"No, he will only take the people who believe in him, and who have asked them to be their savior. When we ask Jesus to be our savior we get to go to heaven with him. Do you know what happens when you don't do that?"
"No."
"If you don't ask Jesus to be your savior, you go to a place called hell. Have you heard that word before?"
"No."
"It is a very bad place, and it's where the Devil is."
"How do you ask Jesus to be in your heart?"
"That's a really good question, Olivia. Some people pray a prayer and say thank you Jesus for dying for my sins. Please forgive my sins and come into my heart, and help me live my life for you. And whenever you're ready, Olivia, you can pray that prayer if you want Jesus to be in your heart."
"Can I do it right now?"
"Yes, you can, Olivia."
"You do it."
"I think it's something that you need to do."
"Me?"
"Yes, because Mommy already said that prayer."
"You did?"
"Yes. And Daddy did too, and Hope."
"And Griffin?"
"Not yet, but we will pray that he will someday."
I gave her some ideas of things she could say to Jesus in her prayer. And she began with no fear, very assured that this is what she wanted to do, and this is what she believed. This was her conviction.
"Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sin. And thank you for forgiving my sin. And thank you for loving me. Amen."
The angels are rejoicing!
"Do you want to also say something like please come into my heart, be my savior, thank you?"
"Yes"
So she did. She sweetly, quietly asked for a few helps. What a sweet soul she is. Praise God!
We spoke about how the angels are rejoicing because of her decision, and how the Holy Spirit is living inside of her right now. I had to explain what the Holy Spirit is, and what is does for people who believe in Jesus.
"I have the Holy Spirit living in me, and it helps me make good decisions. It helps me be a better mom. It helps me understand things about God. And now He is living in your heart to help you."
She was happy. She gave me big hugs, and we talked about who we would see in heaven.
As she drifts off to sleep tonight I know the Lord is rejoicing over her sensitive heart. He is loving her better than I am right now. I like to think of him seeing the things she'll do in her life to serve him, and seeing the heart to hearts they'll have. Lord, as she drifts off to sleep, I recognize that she is yours. Thank you ever so much for the privilege of being her Momma. I have received an incredible gift.
I checked on Hope and she wondered why we had taken so long. Our whispers...
"Olivia and I were talking about Jesus, and she just asked Jesus into her heart."
Realizing the weight of those words, "She did?"
"Yes, isn't that wonderful?"
"mm-hmm. I already did that."
"Yes, you did, and now we will be in heaven together forever."
We again talked about how we all will, but Griffin has not made that decision yet.
So, we pray. Lord, we ask with hopeful hearts and dependent hearts that you would bring Griffin to yourself. And we praise you with adoring hearts that you have given Daddy, Mommy, Hope and Olivia the gift of salvation.
The Lord be praised.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
More Than Chocolate
Hope told me recently she loves me more than chocolate. It was a thoughtful, tender exchange.
It was really sweet.
Sometimes a person just needs to write this stuff down.
It was really sweet.
Sometimes a person just needs to write this stuff down.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Glorious Unfolding
This song recently made me breathe a deep sigh of relief and cry tears and tears.
When I had two doctors in 10 days tell me they think I have Fibro I took it pretty hard. It felt a little like a death sentence. It felt a little like the life that lay before me was grim and hard, a percentage of the life I imagined/wanted. I felt like there was a battle going on for my thoughts and mind and attitude. A battle between good and evil, joy and depression, God and Satan. I feel deep within me that I need to saturate my mind with the Lord and his truth, his goodness, his righteous way. Memorize scripture, read the word, listen to good music. There is a battle for my mind. The war is on.
One morning I'm getting ready for Bible study and I remember a song a friend shared with me when I cried to her fresh off of my "diagnosis". (That is if Fibro is indeed my diagnosis.) She must have sensed how I felt so broken and bleak. She shared with me "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I was telling her it felt like the end. She said, or it's just the beginning. I didn't really get it...
I grabbed my phone and played it for the first time and listened to every word. Within the first 11 words I was crying off the eye makeup I had just applied. It was useless to continue to apply, I just needed to take a break and listen. Let the music speak and minister. The song has become my anthem. My story is so far from over. I'm ever so thankful for this song because it is really helping me.
"The Glorious Unfolding"
Praise God! Thank you Jesus for this message that is helping me so much.
When I had two doctors in 10 days tell me they think I have Fibro I took it pretty hard. It felt a little like a death sentence. It felt a little like the life that lay before me was grim and hard, a percentage of the life I imagined/wanted. I felt like there was a battle going on for my thoughts and mind and attitude. A battle between good and evil, joy and depression, God and Satan. I feel deep within me that I need to saturate my mind with the Lord and his truth, his goodness, his righteous way. Memorize scripture, read the word, listen to good music. There is a battle for my mind. The war is on.
One morning I'm getting ready for Bible study and I remember a song a friend shared with me when I cried to her fresh off of my "diagnosis". (That is if Fibro is indeed my diagnosis.) She must have sensed how I felt so broken and bleak. She shared with me "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I was telling her it felt like the end. She said, or it's just the beginning. I didn't really get it...
I grabbed my phone and played it for the first time and listened to every word. Within the first 11 words I was crying off the eye makeup I had just applied. It was useless to continue to apply, I just needed to take a break and listen. Let the music speak and minister. The song has become my anthem. My story is so far from over. I'm ever so thankful for this song because it is really helping me.
"The Glorious Unfolding"
Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding
God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding
We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning
Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding
Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding
God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding
We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning
Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding
Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)
Praise God! Thank you Jesus for this message that is helping me so much.
Psalty is at it again
I played Psalty 5 for my kids this morning as we drove to LeMars. It's the camping one. I really listened to one of the songs this time.
It ministered to me as I stand at the base of this Fibro mountain. I have no idea how I want to help myself at this point. I'm immobilized; too afraid to take a step. I'm sad about it. I'm mourning my reality. It's effecting me and my life and my relationships. I don't like that. I don't want to let it. I don't have to let it. I can be in control of this, and not let it control me. Or can I? Am I strong enough?
Psalty says:
There are mountain climbing experiences all through life. Around every bend there's going to be a new mountain, a new opportunity for us to grow and to see God work in our lives. When you start something, it's important to finish it. One thing about climbing mountains is you never do it in one big leap. You do it one step at a time. We don't have to trust God for the strength to make it to the top of the mountain. You only need to trust him for the strength to take the next step. The way you climb a mountain is one step at a time.
Kids Praise! 5
ONE STEP AT A TIME
Verse 1
When something seems too hard to handle
Too big to conquer, too far away to touch,
When all your dreams begin to shatter,
And deep inside you you’re hurting, oh, so much,
That’s when it’s time to say
Chorus
I’m climbing my mountain step by step
I’m climbing my mountain day by day
I’m climbing my mountain all the way
I’m climbing my mountain, I’m gonna make it
One step at a time, One step at a time,
One step at a time with Jesus by my side
One step at a time, One step at a time,
I’m climbing my mountain one step at a time
Verse 2
Even though you might grow weary
Don’t be discouraged, in your weakness God is strong
Remember this, He’ll never leave you,
He won’t forsake you, He’s your strength and He’s your song
So sing and start to say
It ministered to me as I stand at the base of this Fibro mountain. I have no idea how I want to help myself at this point. I'm immobilized; too afraid to take a step. I'm sad about it. I'm mourning my reality. It's effecting me and my life and my relationships. I don't like that. I don't want to let it. I don't have to let it. I can be in control of this, and not let it control me. Or can I? Am I strong enough?
Psalty says:
There are mountain climbing experiences all through life. Around every bend there's going to be a new mountain, a new opportunity for us to grow and to see God work in our lives. When you start something, it's important to finish it. One thing about climbing mountains is you never do it in one big leap. You do it one step at a time. We don't have to trust God for the strength to make it to the top of the mountain. You only need to trust him for the strength to take the next step. The way you climb a mountain is one step at a time.
Kids Praise! 5
ONE STEP AT A TIME
Verse 1
When something seems too hard to handle
Too big to conquer, too far away to touch,
When all your dreams begin to shatter,
And deep inside you you’re hurting, oh, so much,
That’s when it’s time to say
Chorus
I’m climbing my mountain step by step
I’m climbing my mountain day by day
I’m climbing my mountain all the way
I’m climbing my mountain, I’m gonna make it
One step at a time, One step at a time,
One step at a time with Jesus by my side
One step at a time, One step at a time,
I’m climbing my mountain one step at a time
Verse 2
Even though you might grow weary
Don’t be discouraged, in your weakness God is strong
Remember this, He’ll never leave you,
He won’t forsake you, He’s your strength and He’s your song
So sing and start to say
100 Ears, 100 Arms
H used her hands to hurt her sister again tonight.
She's in the top bunk, her sister is in the bottom. The lights are off. It's past bed time.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Do not use your hands to hurt your sister. I think you use your hands to hurt your sister when she is not doing what you want her to do. That is not ok." I'm pretty stern-faced.
I lean over to kiss O and say goodnight.
I look at H and she says, "Mom can I tell you something?"
I step up on the mattress and get close to her face.
She starts to tear up.
"I'm a forgetter."
"Oh, yeah, you forget to not use your hands to hurt, and now you're feeling bad."
"I forget when I hit G in the belly, and when I push O. I just forget to not use my hands to hurt."
She's crying pretty hard.
I'm hugging her.
"H, do you want to say a prayer and ask God to forgive you for your sins?"
"Uh huh. God, please forgive me for hurting my brother and sister, and help me not to forget."
She's still crying.
I feel like crying because I'm so moved and so proud of her. This is the most sincere prayer I have ever heard from her. I feel like it's her first heart-broken, heart-felt prayer. She is turning to the Lord to meet her needs and depending on him to help her.
"I'm so proud of you, H. You're such a good girl. God hears your prayer, and He is so happy to hear from you. He is so glad you asked for help, and he will help you!"
"Mom, what if God is at another prayer?"
"That's a really good question, H. Did you know that God hears everyone's prayers at the same time? He hears your prayers even if I'm praying at the same time as you."
She giggles and smiles.
"It's like he has 100 ears."
"Yeah, kinda like that. He listened to your prayer, and he is going to be so happy to help you."
"Mom, what if he's helping someone else?"
I give her the "you know what?!?" look.
She giggles and says, "He's got 100 arms."
"You're right, H. He helps us all at the same time."
I'm so proud of my Fancy Face, and so thankful for this reminder. My little girl ministered to my soul tonight. God really wants to hear from me, and he really wants to help me. That's what I believe.
She's in the top bunk, her sister is in the bottom. The lights are off. It's past bed time.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Do not use your hands to hurt your sister. I think you use your hands to hurt your sister when she is not doing what you want her to do. That is not ok." I'm pretty stern-faced.
I lean over to kiss O and say goodnight.
I look at H and she says, "Mom can I tell you something?"
I step up on the mattress and get close to her face.
She starts to tear up.
"I'm a forgetter."
"Oh, yeah, you forget to not use your hands to hurt, and now you're feeling bad."
"I forget when I hit G in the belly, and when I push O. I just forget to not use my hands to hurt."
She's crying pretty hard.
I'm hugging her.
"H, do you want to say a prayer and ask God to forgive you for your sins?"
"Uh huh. God, please forgive me for hurting my brother and sister, and help me not to forget."
She's still crying.
I feel like crying because I'm so moved and so proud of her. This is the most sincere prayer I have ever heard from her. I feel like it's her first heart-broken, heart-felt prayer. She is turning to the Lord to meet her needs and depending on him to help her.
"I'm so proud of you, H. You're such a good girl. God hears your prayer, and He is so happy to hear from you. He is so glad you asked for help, and he will help you!"
"Mom, what if God is at another prayer?"
"That's a really good question, H. Did you know that God hears everyone's prayers at the same time? He hears your prayers even if I'm praying at the same time as you."
She giggles and smiles.
"It's like he has 100 ears."
"Yeah, kinda like that. He listened to your prayer, and he is going to be so happy to help you."
"Mom, what if he's helping someone else?"
I give her the "you know what?!?" look.
She giggles and says, "He's got 100 arms."
"You're right, H. He helps us all at the same time."
I'm so proud of my Fancy Face, and so thankful for this reminder. My little girl ministered to my soul tonight. God really wants to hear from me, and he really wants to help me. That's what I believe.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Thank you
Olivia walked out of bed on this Christmas Day evening. It's 9:30 and long past bed time. I'm preparing myself to send her back to bed with a slight scolding as I've done hundreds of times in her lifetime, but only for the first time this evening. She says to me, "Mom?" in a very quiet voice. I say, "What do you need Olivia?" in a slightly impatient tone. Gaining confidence since I didn't immediately send her to her room, she starts walking toward me saying, "I need to tell you something in your ear." I walk towards her against my better judgment since I'm sure she's going to repeat what she said to me earlier today in this same manner: "I have to go potty." She moves her mouth right over my ear, I ready myself to say, "Then go, and go back to bed. You don't need to tell me before you go potty."
She whispers, "Thank you."
She's so thankful for her Anna doll that she's holding and taking to bed with her tonight, and dressing and undressing while she should be sleeping.
I'm so thankful that my daughter is sitting in bed, playing, and gratitude wells up in her heart and she just needs to tell me how she feels. I'm so thankful for her grateful, sweet spirit. I'm so thankful that our talks about being thankful at Christmas have taken root somewhat.
Merry Christmas. It's been a great one at our house. I'm very thankful for the real reason for Christmas. I'm still enchanted by that story...probably why my most favorite time of the season is Christmas Eve night. When I was only 5 or 6, on Christmas Eve night, I asked Jesus to be my Savior, and dedicated my life to Him. God still grabs my heart on that night.
She whispers, "Thank you."
She's so thankful for her Anna doll that she's holding and taking to bed with her tonight, and dressing and undressing while she should be sleeping.
I'm so thankful that my daughter is sitting in bed, playing, and gratitude wells up in her heart and she just needs to tell me how she feels. I'm so thankful for her grateful, sweet spirit. I'm so thankful that our talks about being thankful at Christmas have taken root somewhat.
Merry Christmas. It's been a great one at our house. I'm very thankful for the real reason for Christmas. I'm still enchanted by that story...probably why my most favorite time of the season is Christmas Eve night. When I was only 5 or 6, on Christmas Eve night, I asked Jesus to be my Savior, and dedicated my life to Him. God still grabs my heart on that night.