Whoa! I knew it had been a long time, but I didn't realize it had been THIS long! Since the last time was January, it is time for an update, or at least a tidbit.

As I arrive at the anniversary of being home for a year, I'm thinking about how I've kept myself busy. For the first six months I endured the warm summer months mostly at home alone. I loved the warm weather, but didn't run around on the beach, or hike through the woods, or swim in the ocean. I was taking it easy because I was caring for the unborn babe. In fact, the one time I did push the activity level up a notch, my doctor told me to stay off my feet and take it easy. So, according to my neighbor, for the first six months I "sat around inside all day". :)

Then in November the little girl came. Yay! Life changed, and now that we've gotten used to each other, life feels normal. Our first month together was difficult, but happy. In fact, if you're looking for some sympathy when it comes to nursing, I've got your back.

Now that the weather is getting nicer I'm pumped to take Hope outside, and let her interact with friends since she's noticing others a lot more now.

Now it's time for some of my favorites:

**Luke having time off. We're planning a trip to Minneapolis to see Wicked. We missed it when Wicked came to Des Moines, so the next nearest place is Minneapolis in August.

**Jimmy Fallon does a pretty funny parody of LOST on his late night show. He calls it 'LATE'. Check it out!

**My violin. I should practice more than I do, but I think I've made great strides in a few months! I played alongside my brother-in-law the other day as he plaayed his guitar, and I think it sounded pretty good. The violin is such a beautiful instrument, and I hope to play really well someday. Sometimes I have to fight Luke for it--he likes to play it too.

**Here are some of my favorite pictures of Baby Girl.

Today I found my cat sleeping in Hope's room. He was all curled up in the sunlight spilling in through the window. I thought to myself that I hadn't seen him sleep there before...then I remembered that this is the first spring that we've had that door open. After Grace was born we kept that door closed most of the time. We kept it closed during the winter anyway because it was one less room to heat. I said a sincere thank you to God this morning when I saw my cat sleeping in Hope's room. I'm thankful that we have that door open now.

I'm going to try to upload a video so you can see our little girl in action. But I'm going to do it in a separate post.

We will never be the same

Happy Birthday, Gracie

We love you, and miss you, and will never forget you.

It's cold and icy today. I remember it was insanely cold the week following your birthday. The freezing temperatures made it all the harder for us be comforted. We will never feel OK about what happened, but we have received some comfort.

Words cannot express how much we love you. Some day your sister will talk about you and love you too.

Nothing could have prepared me....

I'm convinced nothing could have prepared me for our sweet baby Hope. And it's not just Hope we weren't capable of being prepared for, it's parenthood in general.

There was no way to prepare me for labor recovery, for lack of sleep, for mood swings brought on by recovery/lack of sleep. No way to prepare me for all the uncertainty. I've discovered something about myself: when I'm encountering something new I like to talk to lots of different people about what I'm experiencing. Someone else needs to know about this! I also want them to tell me what to do. I'm so full of questions! I guess I'm learning that I want to do things right the first time, and if I don't know how to do it right, I'm very reluctant to jump in and do it anyway, knowing that there's the possibility of making a mistake or getting hurt. When I think about my life I can see how this has played out many times before! My twin Liz was always the first to do things like getting painful shots, seeing the scary doctor, dating, marriage, kids, everything! It's like I had always felt better going ahead with something after seeing that she did it successfully. If I notice someone's success with getting their baby to nap, sleep through the night, etc., I'm so eager to grill them and find out exactly what I need to do. The problem with this is that all kids are so different, and some things a mom just needs to figure out for herself.

Something else I couldn't have been prepared for: the JOY of being a mom. I have felt the love for a child before, but not the love and joy of mothering. The Lord has fulfilled the longing of my heart when it comes to being a mom. As evidenced by last night's tears shed for our baby Grace, there is still a longing in my heart for our baby Grace. I long for Hope to know her sister, to have a family of 4...oh, it could have been! It could have been. But it wasn't to be. There are some things in life that will always make me cry, and in some way it's inexplicable. Like, I can't even think about not crying before the tears are there. Some days I look at Hope and pray and pray for her, and give thanks for her, and long for Grace at the same time. My longing will be fulfilled one day in Heaven. Hope is such a symbol for us. She's a representation of the hope we have in our Savior, and also of the magnificent hope Luke and I experienced the day Grace was born, and then passed. She's a reminder of Gracie, of the pain and hurt, but also a reminder of God's loving care for us; incredible faithfulness and his blessings. We're so thankful for Hope!

Nothing could have prepared me for Hope.

I cannot wait to keep learning about her, to keep mothering her, to have conversations with her, to teach her new things, to watch her laugh with her daddy, to share her with Grandmas and Grandpas...

In the last 2 weeks...

In the last two weeks I...

• had a beautiful baby girl
• turned 27
• lost nearly 30 pounds (I think the scale might be lying.)
• discussed at length little silly things like house temperature...along with other new parent obsessions
• have muttered prayers of thanksgiving more times than I can count
• have muttered prayers for sleep MANY times
• have cringed while watching our grocery money go towards diapers (thankful for gift cards!!)
• have cried at the drop of a hat time and time again (I'm OK.)
• have adjusted to one schedule, only to see it change the next day. Similarly, I have discovered one way to soothe a crying (temperamental by God's design) baby, only to have it not work three hours later
• could have started a pharmacy in my kitchen
• have wished for more hours of daylight
• have taken multiple naps on a daily basis
• have let my desire for home cleanliness take a back seat
• have struggled to find time for a shower, and have forgotten to eat until supper
  
• have discovered daily pure delight in someone so small

We are truly blessed with the gift of Hope Malowyn; born November 16, 2009; 5:59 PM. Parenting is a journey, a learning experience, a BLESSING, and it's only just begun.

What a day!

What a beautiful fall day!!

It was productive, fun, happy, and splashed all throughout with indigestion. Yep, I'm seeing a lot of that these days.

I'm so thankful to be up and around. Today I got to go to a baby shower, drive by myself--this actually provides for the most occurrences of contractions, and visit with Luke's family at their house while we all sat around a campfire.

The only non-beautiful thing: Iowa lost. Too bad.

Awkward

You ever feel like the master of awkward situations?

I don't mean like you've engineered them to be that way and are now getting a slight giggle out of watching everyone squirm. I mean like, just by your mere participation, you've managed to turn a perfectly good conversation or situation into a disaster that you feel completely embarrassed about.

That was me today. Man, something about being secluded for a month from many social interactions, and then being thrown back into them; add to that an expanding belly that makes one feel absolutely uncomfortable in every sitting/standing position; now that's a recipe for awkward.

I've decided that the reason I felt awkward and embarrassed today stems from insecurity ("I feel huge!" "I don't know what to say anymore about how I'm doing without it sounding like I talk about myself ALL THE TIME!"), and the need to please ("Oh no, that sounded bad. I need to say something else to make that better. Oh no, I just made it worse") When I thought about all this today, I decided that I rarely have awkward moments or feel embarrassed when I'm unconcerned with pleasing people, and when I'm secure.

So, I just wanted to share that. I don't think I'm alone in this. I think there are many people out there who have been where I was today.

I've been doing a study this last week that was talking about spiritual growth. One of the ways you can be sure you're growing spiritually is if you're seeing to the needs of your brothers and sisters in Christ. One of the ways to do that is to listen more than you talk. This season of my life has brought many opportunities for me to speak about myself, and I was concerned that I've gotten out of the practice of LISTENING. Today it was impressed on my heart so strongly to just listen. So, I tried. The problem: I saw many people today who I've not seen in a long time and out of the kindness and love in their hearts, they wanted to know how I was doing and feeling. I think I may need to wait until another day to excel at listening more than speaking.

**ADD ON**
Sunday at church today was so good. It was great to be back worshiping.

Not one awkward moment either! :)


Here's an awkward family photo for you. huh.

On my feet again

Just letting you know...

My appointment this week was successful in removing stitches. I've gotten the green light to go ahead and get up and start walking around, and to do normal things. So, I am. I'm taking it slow, and have felt a little sore while gaining back muscle, but I'm so glad I have these days before the baby is born to build up my strength. So, the first thing we did after the official end of bed rest was to go to Target to buy some things to make sure we're ready, then we came home and prepared the baby room together. I think we're ready. We've got a bag packed and waiting. Technically I have about three weeks left, but I'm kinda thinking it could be anytime. I'm not in a hurry though.

That's the latest. This weekend I'm excited to go to a movie with Luke, and we'll go to church on Sunday. We'll have to do something fun on Saturday since the weather is going to be so nice.