20 years

Wow, I can't believe it's been 20 years this week since my dad's passing, 23 since the accident.
He is never forgotten, and always loved. What a joyous reunion we will have some day.

Chill out

I got a chance to talk to my nurse today. She comes once a week to my house for 20 weeks. Only three weeks left! Anyway, she told me to relax a little. She wasn't talking about staying off my feet. She was talking about my nerves. Relax, Deb. I appreciated that.

She was right when she said, "It's all hitting you isn't it?"
-Needing to put plans on hold for selling the house. It's ok. It will get done in time; sooner or later.
-Soon your life will be CHANGED. You have two mild-mannered, well-behaved girls, and there's about to be a fruit basket upset.
-You'd like to not have to worry about your activity level, but you do. It's ok. You've made it so far already, and if things were really bad, you wouldn't be at home, you'd be in the hospital.
-This is your pregnancy normal, and all you can do is take care of your family. All you should be doing right now is cuddling your girls since your arms will be full soon.
-No, a 32 week baby is not a 40 week baby, but we're talking a Sioux City birth, very manageable.

Thanks, Nurse Anne. And thanks for acknowledging that Hope was not herself today. I know, right? We all have those days, or weeks.

Psalm 127:1-5

Thank you for a good word today, Lord.
You knew I needed it.

Psalm 127:1-5
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.


Thank you, Lord, for the reminder that my efforts and planning are in vain unless I let you be the head builder. I am the watchman of my baby and girls right now. And even though I feel very alone and afraid, in You I am exactly the opposite. I have never felt this kind of pain and contractions prior to labor before, and it doesn't make any sense to me that I'm not dilating, but my anxieties are futile. I'm not alone. My baby boy is not alone. You are with us. I understand today more than ever how you are protecting the life of my unborn baby. I still believe I will never be on bed rest with this pregnancy. I feel scared by the amount of contractions, but maybe this is my new pregnancy normal for now, and You are going to carry us through to July 23. You will continue to give me the ability to care for each of my three children who feel overwhelmingly young this week. A 32 week baby is not a 40 week baby, so I will still do the best I can to stay off my feet. I want to be wise in how I care for our baby boy.

Thank you, Lord, for the sleep you give your beloved children. After two nights of little sleep, tonight I will say to myself, "It is vain that you...eat the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder that our children are a heritage and a reward. I am blessed, so BLESSED by the children that I have. Yes, they may be in a "no" stage for the 20th time in the last six months, plus recently discovered what it is to argue, and may still not have the hang of being gentle with a baby sister, BUT she is, of course, a blessing and I will love her every moment of every day. Another may be at a needy stage in life; learning to walk, but not confident enough yet to feel happy to explore this option, not a talker, and as recently discovered, a night owl, BUT she is, of course, a blessing and I will love her every moment of every day. I am relying on your wisdom and patience, and your skills as a watchman to make sure I make the most of every opportunity to teach what is right in a grace-filled way, and to help their hearts and minds heal when I've made a mistake.

Help me to be patient with myself, and to show myself grace. This life season with limitations is hard and not everybody is going to understand exactly what it feels like-that's ok. One of the hardest parts in asking for help is that you invite help. You invite opinions and questions, and the need to explain. Please help me to be gracious.

Thank you, Lord. You are watching and carrying every single one of us. Thank you for Luke who pulls double duty every.single.time.  .

Olivia's Photo Book

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYuGTZszZtWLlw&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET

I'm just not going to fight it.

It's time to empty the tank, erase the hard drive, and I need to write it down.

I mostly feel ok about that, despite the gloomy nature of some things, because I'm pretty sure I know who is reading.

-We are pregnant!! We are expecting a baby BOY in August. August 19th. We expect this summer to be pretty low key, and quickly followed by a crazy autumn. By Christmas we expect to be semi- acclimated to life with more children than adults living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house. We expect forced time in bed this summer, but wow, I'd be so thankful for no Debrest. We are so blessed to be entrusted with another Demarest life, and it's a boy! What will we name him? Hmmm. We have a few options rolling around, but will most likely not decide for a few more months.

-The pregnancy so far is going really well. After a surgical procedure in February, my twice-a-month Dr. appts. have been nothing but encouraging. Praise God!

-Our cat Han died. We had to put him to sleep after his kidneys started to fail a few weeks ago. I was sad to say goodbye, and it was weird to not have him around for a while, but I do admit to feelings of gratitude. He was kind of a nuisance. He got sick on the carpet, walked on counters, made his presence known with a very loud meow early in the morning and all day long, and what was especially agrivating: he would purposefully add to the noise when both girls were crying. But hey, Han, Pumpkin misses you still. (we do too, sometimes.) Pumpkin is very clinging right now. She sleeps on our bed and rubs against my legs too much. At first I was afraid to hurt her feelings, and wanted to protect her little heart since she's suffered a loss. Now parts of me are like, Cat, chill.

-We went to the zoo! Hope and Luke LOVED it! I had fun too, but I was distracted a bit by making sure I was taking time to sit. I also got three hours of sleep the night before, so I got cranky. We shared a hotel room with our girls the night before, which is not awful, but I slept in between Hope and Luke, and listened to Olivia snore and cry most of the night. Poor girl did not have the best of sleeping arrangements. Neither did I, and I had a good cry before we ventured out to the zoo when Luke saw the onset of my rattled nerves and offered a hug.

-We are thinking about starting a small group at our house this fall. We love the group we are in, but it is getting large, and a split would benefit us. (but also cause me growing pains.) I'm thinking it might be a good thing to do since we will have three little ones in the fall, and we don't want to load up all three once a week, then have to babysit essentially, at bedtime, at someone else's house. I'm nervous about starting one though because we live in Moville in a small house. Who will come? Will we feel like we've bitten off too much after the baby comes? Will our home be adequate? I've recently learned there is another Moville/Lawton group that has started back up after a while of not doing anything, they are pretty large already, so the option of asking to join their group seems like we are stepping into something pretty well established. I'm not sure what we'll decide to do, but I know I really value that small group time to connect with other people, to study the Bible, and to experience all those things with my husband.

-Our laptop is dead. Not the most important thing to report, but this is why I am writing this post on my iPod. Hopefully there are not too many typos.

-Luke got a new position at work. We had dollar signs dancing in our eyes for a few weeks, and as so often happens, probably, we couldn't help but be a bit disappointed when he was offered the minimum amount possible for a raise. Every little bit helps, and we praise God for His provision. Still a little hard to swallow that our move from 122 Jones Street may not happen for a while.

-I do MOPS at our church a few times a month. Sometimes (like this week) I leave there feeling dumb and like I have no friends. Of course it gets me started thinking about many other relationships I am insecure in. Ugh. I also have a Bible study small group I do once a week. It is unfortunate that this week these two events fell back to back and I ended up crying at Bible study. I don't know the women on a personal level very well at Bible study because the focus is usually on the lesson, and not fellowship, although that is encouraged at different times. Anyway, there is a really kind lady who gave me a hug after I shared in group that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my two girls, husband, house, and baby on the way. Did you know a mother's job never ends? It's certainly not 8-5. And, yep, I broke down. Now she wants me to call her, and I just find it hard sometimes to accept that people want to help me after I share how I'm feeling. I think that might be wrong to feel that way because maybe God wants to use that person to help me. But, sometimes I can't handle a person feeling bad for me. I'm ok, I'm just having a weak moment, and I'm believing untruth. I need to stop that. But truly, I thank her and all the other ladies in my group who are remembering me in prayer this week. What a blessing to have them in my life.

-I hate that I'm starting to feel like people don't ask us to do things because we have kids. Especially since I know it probably wouldn't work out because we have kids, or other restrictions. Mostly I'm discouraged that I give into these feelings of insecurity too often. It has become my prayer that the Lord would shift my focus, allow me to care for the needs of my friends (and find new friends!) more than I care for my own needs, and to hold onto/remember these little beautiful moments with my girls that I would not trade for a million nights out. Praise God for my girls and God's daily blessings!

-This pregnancy is really different. I think I still have monthly emotional times, like now. How is that possible? Maybe it's happening more than once a month...yeah, it is. I'm just more emotional. I'm also so stinking hungry all the time. I don't remember being this hungry with my girls. I cry a lot. I'm irritated a lot. I'm carrying differently, but I also think part of that is due to the fact that I did not lose all my baby weight from Olivia. My skin is not blemish-free like with my girls, and I don't think my hair is getting thicker.

-I'm reading a book and listening to others. I'm reading The Help as fast as I can so I can get done with it before the movie arrives in the mail. The Netflix envelope is actually sitting in our PO box right now, I just don't get to the post office everyday like I used to. I just finished listening to The Hunger Games, and I started on Catching Fire last week. I'm team Peeta, right now anyway. I'm enjoying my reading tremendously.

-I want to get away with my husband before bedrest, and take a trip to Marshalltown. I feel an urgency to do both.

That's it. I know I need to lay my concerns and cares before the Lord. I do. I'm so thankful He listens and cares in just the right way.

Is it true? Is it good? Is it honest? Is it lovely? Is it of good report? Is it pure? .... Think on these things. Philippians 4:8

Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS flow.

Dancing with Jesus

I don't know how age works in Heaven.

I like to picture Gracie as actually being 4 years old, full of joy, exploring every nook and cranny of her Heavenly mansion, soaking up knowledge, dancing and singing without a care. In Heaven nothing hinders her from complete confidence and trust. She is a whole, lovely, healthy, and strong little girl.

I miss her and cry for her today.

Grace, I know if you would have lived you would not have been perfect or happy all the time, but as it happens, that's all you've ever known. And that's the image I will carry with me everyday of my life.

We love you and desperately long to hold you. Maybe you would let me rock you and hug you and kiss you a little bit better than miss Hope. Maybe Hope will grow out of it. She doesn't understand that Mommy just needs a few more of those today.

Thank you Jesus for the hugs you've given me today via my 'coffee friends'.

I want to love hot coffee.
For many reasons.
Not least of which is the fact that it is an excuse to get together. I want coffee friends. My mom had coffee friends. Really, it wasn't about the coffee, they were just people that gave a hoot about her and would stop by or arrange meetings, ask questions, talk about life experiences, listen. They cared about her, and she cared about them. My mom is a great talker. She still calls me, and after 10 minutes we'll get around to what is happening with me. It's not always that way, but sometimes! My mom is receptive and welcoming and good for a conversation, so she invites these kinds of friends into her life. I think people know that when they talk to her, she will listen and accept it, and give feedback, or relate to them. They feel safe with her. They can share and be heard and still be loved at the end of it. What they have to say is met with caring, loving ears, and any response she may offer is said with love and respect. That's what I will be for my coffee friends too.

I think everyone has needs to love and be loved, and to listen and be heard. I think for me this need is partially met by my husband, but I think at it's core, this need extends beyond what a spouse can provide. It's ok to want to talk about yourself and share what you're learning or struggling through; that's a need we have. We also want to listen and glean from what others have to say. At least, I do. So, I want to experience coffee friends by myself and with my husband. I seriously want to have coffee friends that stop by and we talk over beverages and eat whatever is "light" and there. And I want to have discussions that go beyond football or reality TV. It should be organic and not forced. It's just so easy for me (and maybe you?) in this Facebook and acquaintances kind of culture, to loose the art of conversation and get out of practice when it comes to caring for the needs of others.

I think this time in my life with very little ones can make this tricky, but not impossible. Very little ones do not negate my need (and husband's need, because I know he would enjoy this) to love and be loved and to listen and be heard.

By the way, this is about relationships, something that God created us for. We are created to first of all be in a relationship with God, and secondly with other people. I don't feel weird in saying, well a little, that it is a reward in my life to have friends, female and male, that love me and listen to me, and that I love and listen to.

So, who is your coffee friend? Not really a cry for help, just a realization of something I miss.

Just thinking about that today.....I guess I need to buy a coffee maker.