Dancing with Jesus

I don't know how age works in Heaven.

I like to picture Gracie as actually being 4 years old, full of joy, exploring every nook and cranny of her Heavenly mansion, soaking up knowledge, dancing and singing without a care. In Heaven nothing hinders her from complete confidence and trust. She is a whole, lovely, healthy, and strong little girl.

I miss her and cry for her today.

Grace, I know if you would have lived you would not have been perfect or happy all the time, but as it happens, that's all you've ever known. And that's the image I will carry with me everyday of my life.

We love you and desperately long to hold you. Maybe you would let me rock you and hug you and kiss you a little bit better than miss Hope. Maybe Hope will grow out of it. She doesn't understand that Mommy just needs a few more of those today.

Thank you Jesus for the hugs you've given me today via my 'coffee friends'.

I want to love hot coffee.
For many reasons.
Not least of which is the fact that it is an excuse to get together. I want coffee friends. My mom had coffee friends. Really, it wasn't about the coffee, they were just people that gave a hoot about her and would stop by or arrange meetings, ask questions, talk about life experiences, listen. They cared about her, and she cared about them. My mom is a great talker. She still calls me, and after 10 minutes we'll get around to what is happening with me. It's not always that way, but sometimes! My mom is receptive and welcoming and good for a conversation, so she invites these kinds of friends into her life. I think people know that when they talk to her, she will listen and accept it, and give feedback, or relate to them. They feel safe with her. They can share and be heard and still be loved at the end of it. What they have to say is met with caring, loving ears, and any response she may offer is said with love and respect. That's what I will be for my coffee friends too.

I think everyone has needs to love and be loved, and to listen and be heard. I think for me this need is partially met by my husband, but I think at it's core, this need extends beyond what a spouse can provide. It's ok to want to talk about yourself and share what you're learning or struggling through; that's a need we have. We also want to listen and glean from what others have to say. At least, I do. So, I want to experience coffee friends by myself and with my husband. I seriously want to have coffee friends that stop by and we talk over beverages and eat whatever is "light" and there. And I want to have discussions that go beyond football or reality TV. It should be organic and not forced. It's just so easy for me (and maybe you?) in this Facebook and acquaintances kind of culture, to loose the art of conversation and get out of practice when it comes to caring for the needs of others.

I think this time in my life with very little ones can make this tricky, but not impossible. Very little ones do not negate my need (and husband's need, because I know he would enjoy this) to love and be loved and to listen and be heard.

By the way, this is about relationships, something that God created us for. We are created to first of all be in a relationship with God, and secondly with other people. I don't feel weird in saying, well a little, that it is a reward in my life to have friends, female and male, that love me and listen to me, and that I love and listen to.

So, who is your coffee friend? Not really a cry for help, just a realization of something I miss.

Just thinking about that today.....I guess I need to buy a coffee maker.

Fancy Face

Ever watch Days of our Lives?

My sisters and I did ALL THE TIME growing up. When my mom stayed home with us she would always watch Days while she did her excercises, and while we napped. How do I know? Because I would sneak my way to the stairs and watch for a little bit until I got bored. At some point we must have thought it was interesting; we would watch it after school. Now it is on at lunch time and I catch it maybe once a year. Anyway, on that show there is a woman named Hope. Her husband calls her Fancy Face. Cute.

My little Hope turned two this week. She also gave up her pacifier. We are anxious to move her into her toddler bed too, but we will wait until she learns to sleep without her pacie. As I type this, I am listening to her do everything but sleep during her nap time. She has always been such a great sleeper--never fusses, and sleeps for a long time. Well, that story is changing, understandably, since we said goodbye to her pacie last night. I'm so prayerful that her wonderful sleep habits will return.

I had a mini-crisis last night. Like I said, we took the pacie away. I wasn't sure how to do it, but I had heard of a couple of different ways that worked for other people. We decided to tell her that she's a big girl now and that she can say goodbye to her pacie...big girls don't use pacies. She wanted nothing to do with being a big girl. So, then we showed her the pacie that was "broken". She cried and cried, all the way to the trash can where she obediently threw it away. My heart hurt so bad as I watched her being such a good girl to throw it away, but so so sad as she did it. It was like we were taking away her best friend. I immediately felt like I had done everything wrong. "I didn't do it right! She isn't supposed to cry this hard." is what I was thinking. For the next two hours she kept saying, "Pacie is broken! Throw in the trash!" through sobs. Oh, the tears that pull on my heartstrings! It's all a part of the process, but it was hard. She tired herself out and eventually fell asleep. She slept through the whole night, which we weren't expecting. She went shopping with me today (which was a scary drive! First winter weathery mix of precipitation. We should have just stayed home...good reminder for the upcoming months), and was such a good girl at the store. She is an incredible little girl. I'm so glad God gave her to this family. She got a little treat for being a big girl, but still every time we say Hope is a big girl, she cries, "No!". Someone should tell her it's not so bad.

So, it's looking like she'll skip her nap today, which might make tonight a little bit easier.

Thus ends my story of when Hope said goodbye to her first best friend. So long, Hawkeye pacie.

Baby Liv

We are enjoying a smiley, joyful, mellow, happy, and tender baby here at our house.

Her name is Olivia Faith. Olivia because it has connections to an olive branch, which means peace. The Lord brought me great peace while He was forming her, so it is appropriate. Also, Olivia is often shortened to Liv, so we kinda thought it would be a great reminder for her to live her faith...Olivia Faith. So, now we have our Grace, Hope, and Faith.

The other day someone was talking about how pretty the name Grace is. She didn't know about our baby Grace, not many new-found friends do. I kinda wanted to say, "It is so pretty, and that's why we chose it...", but like I do so often when it comes to this, I refrained.

Some pictures of our incredible reminder of God's miracles.

She is a unique creation with her sensitivity, love of cuddles, and quickness to giggle and smile.

She is an image of her sister with her good sleep habits, and easy-going personality.

Savoring the days

Getting ready for a walk!

Olivia loves to be held; she will not sleep without it!

Creatively trying to capture a tear-provoking moment. Thank you God for a baby to hold.

Olivia looking big.

Sisters.

Hope's picture face.

I was taking a picture of how Olivia's feet fill out her jammies now. Gotta love baby feet. Also in this picture is my new iPod, photo booth pictures from the wedding we went to on Saturday night, and the color swatch for the new color in my bathroom.

I was reminded today on three separate occasions by three separate people that I need to savor these days.

One father of four told me about his oldest son who turned 16 this week. He now has his license and is running errands for the family. He said it seemed like just yesterday he and his wife were moving to Sioux City with a one-year-old boy in the front seat between them. He said, "The time just went like *that." (finger snap) Wow, the sincerity and thoughtfulness in his voice called me to stop and thank God for these days.

One father told me about his daughter who just turned 24. I had never met him, but he felt compelled to tell me how quickly the time goes after he observed Hope fingering every little gum and candy package while we were waiting to pay for our pizza at Caseys. He said, "I remember those days. My daughter was a petite little toddler like yours. The time goes by so fast." Again, there was such a thoughtfulness in his voice. It was like I was in a passenger car in his brain, witnessing every minute of joy and love...it all came spilling out as he spoke to me. He never told me any specific memories, but I could see them. As Hope and I walked home from Caseys hand-in-hand I felt so special and honored to be her mommy. I get to be there for every moment. I get to be the one she cries with, and learns with, and laughs with, feels most comfortable with, and someday, gets sick with. That's right, she has yet to be 'throw-up' sick, thank goodness. At that moment I also felt like I was a part of a club, the parent club. Now that Hope is older, and strangely, now that I have two babies, I feel more strongly the honor of parenthood. I realize the calling that it is, to a certain degree. I know there will be so much more to experience.

Finally a friend of mine (@jdzwief) put it really well: "These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." That's what I thought today as I walked with Hope, and as I watched her play with her daddy, and even when both of my babies were crying at the same time. I thought, "Some day I'm going to miss this." And now I know from relayed experience, that day will come more quickly than I care for it to. Thanks, God, for these days and nights that have been prepared for me. My prayer is to handle them with grace and goodness and intentionality.

The Vertical Version Week 2

A few pictures from our week+half since bedrest. I like being out during our mornings right now. It may be a while until I can have the freedom to do that so easily. Hope is lots of fun, and such a good girl.

We've played at the SC Art Center, the mall, the cemetery, Little Sioux Park, Moville park, our house and yard. We decided last week that if we were still without a baby girl by May 20-22, then we would head over to Orange City for some Tulip Festival fun. Looks like we'll be doing some traveling. Hopefully the weather will be nice.

I'm thankful for this time, but I'm also ready to meet our little lady. I'm sleeping well and feeling well, but boy, sometimes it's hard to get from point A to point B, literally.....aches and pains!

Hanging in there!

The Vertical Version

I'm full-time vertical now.

It feels really good.
I'm enjoying performing the normal tasks of being a mommy.

Here is how my week has been...first week off of bedrest:

MONDAY: Successful procedure reversal at the doctor's office. I was really thankful to have Grandma Demarest along to take care of Hope because I ended up staying at the office for a long time! They again noticed a low heart rate, so we monitored for about an hour to see if we could establish a base line. They were a little concerned when her heart rate continued to fluctuate. Then my doctor was consulted and she said it was fine. When I see her next week, I'm going to ask her why it is that this little one has a heart rate that tends to be fast, then slow, then fast, then slow...

TUESDAY: Full day at home alone with Hope. First time that has happened since February! I posted some pictures from our day--it was almost 100 degrees that day. We went on a walk and swam, all before 10 am. After that it was just too hot. I was really sore and tired by the end of this day. Hope is wearing a hat in the stroller picture above. She picked it out and didn't want to take it off. Cute.

WEDNESDAY: I was excited to attend the last BSF meeting for the year. I had started going to this Bible study back in the fall, but have been gone for 10 weeks. My small group has been faithfully praying for our family, and provided some good food for us. I was anxious to thank them in person, and to take Hope to play with the nursery ladies for the last time. Well, we got there at 9am, and there was no childcare. I decided to take Hope to Target for an hour, then we came back to hopefully catch the ladies upon their dismissal from large group testimony time. They found me, and we were all really happy to praise God for how far I had made it. It was really fun to walk around Target with Hope...I wasn't inconvenienced.

Wednesday night was our last Jr. High meeting at church. Luke and I volunteer with the middle schoolers. It was a really bittersweet night. I was so happy to be able to come back and see my girls that I have been investing in for three years now. I've always felt a deep care and concern for them over the years, but haven't always been able to be there with them full-time. They've seen me through three months of bedrest total, and one month of maternity leave. So, my heart was overjoyed to celebrate our time together, but also sad that I had missed out on large portions of time with them. Three of my girls were former students of mine. It was especially fun to get to continue a relationship with them through Jr. High church fellowship. I'm happy to know that most of them will be continuing in high school ministry next year, and that I'll see them at church.

THURSDAY: Well, that's today. We are having a good day. Tonight Luke and I will leave Hope with Grandma while we go to the hospital to take a free class.

My prediction for May 30 still stands, and Luke's for May 16 does too. He has to be out of town for work on the 16th, so I'm hoping he's not right. As of Monday I was dilated to 2cm. I've felt more contractions this week, but nothing regular, so I can't say that anything will happen soon. We'll see.

Praising God for His help!