Olivia's Photo Book

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYuGTZszZtWLlw&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET

I'm just not going to fight it.

It's time to empty the tank, erase the hard drive, and I need to write it down.

I mostly feel ok about that, despite the gloomy nature of some things, because I'm pretty sure I know who is reading.

-We are pregnant!! We are expecting a baby BOY in August. August 19th. We expect this summer to be pretty low key, and quickly followed by a crazy autumn. By Christmas we expect to be semi- acclimated to life with more children than adults living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house. We expect forced time in bed this summer, but wow, I'd be so thankful for no Debrest. We are so blessed to be entrusted with another Demarest life, and it's a boy! What will we name him? Hmmm. We have a few options rolling around, but will most likely not decide for a few more months.

-The pregnancy so far is going really well. After a surgical procedure in February, my twice-a-month Dr. appts. have been nothing but encouraging. Praise God!

-Our cat Han died. We had to put him to sleep after his kidneys started to fail a few weeks ago. I was sad to say goodbye, and it was weird to not have him around for a while, but I do admit to feelings of gratitude. He was kind of a nuisance. He got sick on the carpet, walked on counters, made his presence known with a very loud meow early in the morning and all day long, and what was especially agrivating: he would purposefully add to the noise when both girls were crying. But hey, Han, Pumpkin misses you still. (we do too, sometimes.) Pumpkin is very clinging right now. She sleeps on our bed and rubs against my legs too much. At first I was afraid to hurt her feelings, and wanted to protect her little heart since she's suffered a loss. Now parts of me are like, Cat, chill.

-We went to the zoo! Hope and Luke LOVED it! I had fun too, but I was distracted a bit by making sure I was taking time to sit. I also got three hours of sleep the night before, so I got cranky. We shared a hotel room with our girls the night before, which is not awful, but I slept in between Hope and Luke, and listened to Olivia snore and cry most of the night. Poor girl did not have the best of sleeping arrangements. Neither did I, and I had a good cry before we ventured out to the zoo when Luke saw the onset of my rattled nerves and offered a hug.

-We are thinking about starting a small group at our house this fall. We love the group we are in, but it is getting large, and a split would benefit us. (but also cause me growing pains.) I'm thinking it might be a good thing to do since we will have three little ones in the fall, and we don't want to load up all three once a week, then have to babysit essentially, at bedtime, at someone else's house. I'm nervous about starting one though because we live in Moville in a small house. Who will come? Will we feel like we've bitten off too much after the baby comes? Will our home be adequate? I've recently learned there is another Moville/Lawton group that has started back up after a while of not doing anything, they are pretty large already, so the option of asking to join their group seems like we are stepping into something pretty well established. I'm not sure what we'll decide to do, but I know I really value that small group time to connect with other people, to study the Bible, and to experience all those things with my husband.

-Our laptop is dead. Not the most important thing to report, but this is why I am writing this post on my iPod. Hopefully there are not too many typos.

-Luke got a new position at work. We had dollar signs dancing in our eyes for a few weeks, and as so often happens, probably, we couldn't help but be a bit disappointed when he was offered the minimum amount possible for a raise. Every little bit helps, and we praise God for His provision. Still a little hard to swallow that our move from 122 Jones Street may not happen for a while.

-I do MOPS at our church a few times a month. Sometimes (like this week) I leave there feeling dumb and like I have no friends. Of course it gets me started thinking about many other relationships I am insecure in. Ugh. I also have a Bible study small group I do once a week. It is unfortunate that this week these two events fell back to back and I ended up crying at Bible study. I don't know the women on a personal level very well at Bible study because the focus is usually on the lesson, and not fellowship, although that is encouraged at different times. Anyway, there is a really kind lady who gave me a hug after I shared in group that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my two girls, husband, house, and baby on the way. Did you know a mother's job never ends? It's certainly not 8-5. And, yep, I broke down. Now she wants me to call her, and I just find it hard sometimes to accept that people want to help me after I share how I'm feeling. I think that might be wrong to feel that way because maybe God wants to use that person to help me. But, sometimes I can't handle a person feeling bad for me. I'm ok, I'm just having a weak moment, and I'm believing untruth. I need to stop that. But truly, I thank her and all the other ladies in my group who are remembering me in prayer this week. What a blessing to have them in my life.

-I hate that I'm starting to feel like people don't ask us to do things because we have kids. Especially since I know it probably wouldn't work out because we have kids, or other restrictions. Mostly I'm discouraged that I give into these feelings of insecurity too often. It has become my prayer that the Lord would shift my focus, allow me to care for the needs of my friends (and find new friends!) more than I care for my own needs, and to hold onto/remember these little beautiful moments with my girls that I would not trade for a million nights out. Praise God for my girls and God's daily blessings!

-This pregnancy is really different. I think I still have monthly emotional times, like now. How is that possible? Maybe it's happening more than once a month...yeah, it is. I'm just more emotional. I'm also so stinking hungry all the time. I don't remember being this hungry with my girls. I cry a lot. I'm irritated a lot. I'm carrying differently, but I also think part of that is due to the fact that I did not lose all my baby weight from Olivia. My skin is not blemish-free like with my girls, and I don't think my hair is getting thicker.

-I'm reading a book and listening to others. I'm reading The Help as fast as I can so I can get done with it before the movie arrives in the mail. The Netflix envelope is actually sitting in our PO box right now, I just don't get to the post office everyday like I used to. I just finished listening to The Hunger Games, and I started on Catching Fire last week. I'm team Peeta, right now anyway. I'm enjoying my reading tremendously.

-I want to get away with my husband before bedrest, and take a trip to Marshalltown. I feel an urgency to do both.

That's it. I know I need to lay my concerns and cares before the Lord. I do. I'm so thankful He listens and cares in just the right way.

Is it true? Is it good? Is it honest? Is it lovely? Is it of good report? Is it pure? .... Think on these things. Philippians 4:8

Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS flow.

Dancing with Jesus

I don't know how age works in Heaven.

I like to picture Gracie as actually being 4 years old, full of joy, exploring every nook and cranny of her Heavenly mansion, soaking up knowledge, dancing and singing without a care. In Heaven nothing hinders her from complete confidence and trust. She is a whole, lovely, healthy, and strong little girl.

I miss her and cry for her today.

Grace, I know if you would have lived you would not have been perfect or happy all the time, but as it happens, that's all you've ever known. And that's the image I will carry with me everyday of my life.

We love you and desperately long to hold you. Maybe you would let me rock you and hug you and kiss you a little bit better than miss Hope. Maybe Hope will grow out of it. She doesn't understand that Mommy just needs a few more of those today.

Thank you Jesus for the hugs you've given me today via my 'coffee friends'.

I want to love hot coffee.
For many reasons.
Not least of which is the fact that it is an excuse to get together. I want coffee friends. My mom had coffee friends. Really, it wasn't about the coffee, they were just people that gave a hoot about her and would stop by or arrange meetings, ask questions, talk about life experiences, listen. They cared about her, and she cared about them. My mom is a great talker. She still calls me, and after 10 minutes we'll get around to what is happening with me. It's not always that way, but sometimes! My mom is receptive and welcoming and good for a conversation, so she invites these kinds of friends into her life. I think people know that when they talk to her, she will listen and accept it, and give feedback, or relate to them. They feel safe with her. They can share and be heard and still be loved at the end of it. What they have to say is met with caring, loving ears, and any response she may offer is said with love and respect. That's what I will be for my coffee friends too.

I think everyone has needs to love and be loved, and to listen and be heard. I think for me this need is partially met by my husband, but I think at it's core, this need extends beyond what a spouse can provide. It's ok to want to talk about yourself and share what you're learning or struggling through; that's a need we have. We also want to listen and glean from what others have to say. At least, I do. So, I want to experience coffee friends by myself and with my husband. I seriously want to have coffee friends that stop by and we talk over beverages and eat whatever is "light" and there. And I want to have discussions that go beyond football or reality TV. It should be organic and not forced. It's just so easy for me (and maybe you?) in this Facebook and acquaintances kind of culture, to loose the art of conversation and get out of practice when it comes to caring for the needs of others.

I think this time in my life with very little ones can make this tricky, but not impossible. Very little ones do not negate my need (and husband's need, because I know he would enjoy this) to love and be loved and to listen and be heard.

By the way, this is about relationships, something that God created us for. We are created to first of all be in a relationship with God, and secondly with other people. I don't feel weird in saying, well a little, that it is a reward in my life to have friends, female and male, that love me and listen to me, and that I love and listen to.

So, who is your coffee friend? Not really a cry for help, just a realization of something I miss.

Just thinking about that today.....I guess I need to buy a coffee maker.

Fancy Face

Ever watch Days of our Lives?

My sisters and I did ALL THE TIME growing up. When my mom stayed home with us she would always watch Days while she did her excercises, and while we napped. How do I know? Because I would sneak my way to the stairs and watch for a little bit until I got bored. At some point we must have thought it was interesting; we would watch it after school. Now it is on at lunch time and I catch it maybe once a year. Anyway, on that show there is a woman named Hope. Her husband calls her Fancy Face. Cute.

My little Hope turned two this week. She also gave up her pacifier. We are anxious to move her into her toddler bed too, but we will wait until she learns to sleep without her pacie. As I type this, I am listening to her do everything but sleep during her nap time. She has always been such a great sleeper--never fusses, and sleeps for a long time. Well, that story is changing, understandably, since we said goodbye to her pacie last night. I'm so prayerful that her wonderful sleep habits will return.

I had a mini-crisis last night. Like I said, we took the pacie away. I wasn't sure how to do it, but I had heard of a couple of different ways that worked for other people. We decided to tell her that she's a big girl now and that she can say goodbye to her pacie...big girls don't use pacies. She wanted nothing to do with being a big girl. So, then we showed her the pacie that was "broken". She cried and cried, all the way to the trash can where she obediently threw it away. My heart hurt so bad as I watched her being such a good girl to throw it away, but so so sad as she did it. It was like we were taking away her best friend. I immediately felt like I had done everything wrong. "I didn't do it right! She isn't supposed to cry this hard." is what I was thinking. For the next two hours she kept saying, "Pacie is broken! Throw in the trash!" through sobs. Oh, the tears that pull on my heartstrings! It's all a part of the process, but it was hard. She tired herself out and eventually fell asleep. She slept through the whole night, which we weren't expecting. She went shopping with me today (which was a scary drive! First winter weathery mix of precipitation. We should have just stayed home...good reminder for the upcoming months), and was such a good girl at the store. She is an incredible little girl. I'm so glad God gave her to this family. She got a little treat for being a big girl, but still every time we say Hope is a big girl, she cries, "No!". Someone should tell her it's not so bad.

So, it's looking like she'll skip her nap today, which might make tonight a little bit easier.

Thus ends my story of when Hope said goodbye to her first best friend. So long, Hawkeye pacie.

Baby Liv

We are enjoying a smiley, joyful, mellow, happy, and tender baby here at our house.

Her name is Olivia Faith. Olivia because it has connections to an olive branch, which means peace. The Lord brought me great peace while He was forming her, so it is appropriate. Also, Olivia is often shortened to Liv, so we kinda thought it would be a great reminder for her to live her faith...Olivia Faith. So, now we have our Grace, Hope, and Faith.

The other day someone was talking about how pretty the name Grace is. She didn't know about our baby Grace, not many new-found friends do. I kinda wanted to say, "It is so pretty, and that's why we chose it...", but like I do so often when it comes to this, I refrained.

Some pictures of our incredible reminder of God's miracles.

She is a unique creation with her sensitivity, love of cuddles, and quickness to giggle and smile.

She is an image of her sister with her good sleep habits, and easy-going personality.

Savoring the days

Getting ready for a walk!

Olivia loves to be held; she will not sleep without it!

Creatively trying to capture a tear-provoking moment. Thank you God for a baby to hold.

Olivia looking big.

Sisters.

Hope's picture face.

I was taking a picture of how Olivia's feet fill out her jammies now. Gotta love baby feet. Also in this picture is my new iPod, photo booth pictures from the wedding we went to on Saturday night, and the color swatch for the new color in my bathroom.

I was reminded today on three separate occasions by three separate people that I need to savor these days.

One father of four told me about his oldest son who turned 16 this week. He now has his license and is running errands for the family. He said it seemed like just yesterday he and his wife were moving to Sioux City with a one-year-old boy in the front seat between them. He said, "The time just went like *that." (finger snap) Wow, the sincerity and thoughtfulness in his voice called me to stop and thank God for these days.

One father told me about his daughter who just turned 24. I had never met him, but he felt compelled to tell me how quickly the time goes after he observed Hope fingering every little gum and candy package while we were waiting to pay for our pizza at Caseys. He said, "I remember those days. My daughter was a petite little toddler like yours. The time goes by so fast." Again, there was such a thoughtfulness in his voice. It was like I was in a passenger car in his brain, witnessing every minute of joy and love...it all came spilling out as he spoke to me. He never told me any specific memories, but I could see them. As Hope and I walked home from Caseys hand-in-hand I felt so special and honored to be her mommy. I get to be there for every moment. I get to be the one she cries with, and learns with, and laughs with, feels most comfortable with, and someday, gets sick with. That's right, she has yet to be 'throw-up' sick, thank goodness. At that moment I also felt like I was a part of a club, the parent club. Now that Hope is older, and strangely, now that I have two babies, I feel more strongly the honor of parenthood. I realize the calling that it is, to a certain degree. I know there will be so much more to experience.

Finally a friend of mine (@jdzwief) put it really well: "These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." That's what I thought today as I walked with Hope, and as I watched her play with her daddy, and even when both of my babies were crying at the same time. I thought, "Some day I'm going to miss this." And now I know from relayed experience, that day will come more quickly than I care for it to. Thanks, God, for these days and nights that have been prepared for me. My prayer is to handle them with grace and goodness and intentionality.